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To Meet A Mountain

Blue skies to turn white bones brittle
your steps lose erring spruice
deferring the reverberation of metal
that snake who offers the apple, now to a silent noose,
as if you had a choice, screaming
your wrasping voice quickly lost
grasping the loss of meaning
seamless endlessness is the cost.

Oh where would you strike a fire
when the horizon flows aplenty?
Your eyes in blinders, sweet denial
when truth once behaved so friendly;
you'd bathed in it, basked in it
you'd shouted it to the clouds
asked of hours of it's proud finess
let it filled you to your brows.

It had occupied your mind
as mountains penetrate skies,
then peeling back onion skins to find
it's heart of scoundrel lies-
you'd tried to comprehend
the fall a thousand feet
seen the king as your close friend
tried your best to assume his seat.

But all was lost in darkness
as the sun set, you stumbled
hail your philosopher's carcus
in the cave where your heart is humbled,
a jumble of words and feelings
bearing skinned grassland expression
coming to a violent appearance
and there it was - the true master of elevation.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Trying to explore and translate an experience of raw nature in the Blue Mountains, NSW that taught me many a life lesson.
Editing stage: 

Comments

yet it feels you strive too hard for deep meaning, mythical beyond the reality.
I know the Blue Mountains of NSW, they are deceptively dangerous and wild, very deadly.

Try reading Judith Wright's "Legend"
http://allpoetry.com/poem/8521443-Legend-by-Judith_Wright

Sometimes the deepest things we can say are in silence.

Then there is Hemingway and his Iceberg (sometimes called “the theory of omission”).

“If a writer of prose knows enough of what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them. The dignity of movement of an ice-berg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water.” Ernest Hemingway

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I guess I only tried to pull out the more 'mythical' elements of this place because, well, that's my experience of it. It was an incredibly personal, enlightening experience that redirected my life in pretty concrete ways - I moved cities and decided to travel around Australia to experience it's bush land (I'm also a photographer so this makes a lot of sense haha).

I think the theory of omission is probably more relevant a piece of advice for my writing, just in my personal opinion. I'm trying to write more subtle, soft, gentle poetry as oppose to poems that strive in melodramatic sways and too obvious meanings.

Thanks for your opinions and advice wierdelf, always helps! :)

author comment

I thought I'd attach this: http://doomhead.tumblr.com/post/51790815232/mounthay1

It's a photo of mine from the place at which this poem is based.

Hey Wierdelf! Nice to see you again!

author comment

Kinda mythical [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I hope you find the expansion offered here. I think nowhere else on the net will you find a site more motivated to help poets grow.
As Jess, I liked the language use. I may not have been troubled by the "mythical" as much, but I have another suggestion to make.
When I get to know you better I will perform my duties as "The Grammar Cop" in detail. For now let me say that I strive to never allow anything I have written to reach a web posting or a piece of paper without being precisely what I wanted to arrive.
If I had a problem with the poem it was not in the language which I found somewhat enthralling, but rather in the typographical errors. Misspelled words are an unnecessary stumbling block for the reader. It makes what should be an eminently excellent poem to be construed as "slap dash" or "clumsy".
A little proofreading will take that block away.
I have acrophobia and a few of your lines gave me the heebies. I think that qualifies as "successful imagery".

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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but I'm certainly trying to improve. I think you read some of my earlier poetry once upon a time when I was still a kid posting as Goatman. If so, you will remember a complete lack of formatting and grammar mistakes a plenty. Will endeavour to improve/proofread. Thanks Wes!

author comment

... is it really you? You've changed.
I'll never understand why everyone loves to change their online personas. Probably to increase my already deep dementia.
It's good to see you again and don't worry, I'll edit for you. You post and the Grammar Copy will point out the typos. Essentially it's all I'm really good for, but I'm really good for it. Knowing it's you, I won't hesitate.
Very good to "see" you.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I didn't realise it was you, great to see you!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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