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May

Some cotton
shields the eye of
twenty-four
carat gold
while a sylphlike rose
rises from
the sleepy womb
of life.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I don't get how this relates to the month of May. It probably has to do with local climate/seasons. Here, we have rains, and in Kumasi (where I am now) they're unpleasantly deceptive!

But I like the poem. I like the simplicity of thought and the images of life.

I had an issue with the "gold carat" line. I wasn't sure if the "twenty-four" was the poet's age, until I realised it could be the gold. Should that be "gold carat" instead.

Like I said earlier, I don't really get this, so I'm a bit confused. But I like the poem. :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

I expected some confusion in fact. Yes, it starts to be hot in my part of the world here( the Arabian Gulf) but the clouds sometimes veil the eye of the sun which I vision here as the twenty-four gold carat if that makes sense.

Do you suggest anything to make it more sensible?I would really appreciate it

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Not really. As it is a regional something, it's best to keep it unique. An explanatory note like what you gave me makes appreciation easy.

I think the sun as 24 carat gold is brilliant. Never looked at it that way before. Forgive me, I'm a bit slow. Does the second part of the poem speak of a Spring-like rejuvenation?

On second reading, does this help?

Little cotton
shields the eye from
twenty-four
gold carat
while a sylphlike rose
rises from
the sleepy womb
of life.

I thought arouse there was off. I picture it better with rises. It's also an interesting alteration of the word "rose".

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Yes, I wanted to show spring in the second part after a long sleeping-winter.
I too liked "rises" better .
Appreciate your visits and thoughts.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

This one of yours reads like a quatrain, from Nostradamus's chapters of the years, The title in this instant is the only clue as to the story base, I have had a go at a little word play.
Yours Is fine but this is just me lol, Yours Ian.T

May

Cotton water dust
Shields the eye
Twenty four carat gold
Shimmering disc
Sears the sky.
While a sylphlike rose
Rises from
The sleepy womb,
That’s life
Awakening its bloom.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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