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Matthew

In corduroy, little belly boy
his velvet-tree soft hands,
highlighter fever, melted decay art,
and haunting dazzle-magic
all occupy my thoughts

although, I'm saddened to say
he doesn't look at me

yet

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I have loved magnetic poetry games for a long time. I use this online one: http://play.magneticpoetry.com/poem/Poet/kit/ to start this poem. It is named after and inspired by the following painting, which you've probably seen me recreate in clothes and makeup if you are my friend on FB: http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/webpage/images/pastel%20gubler%20internet.jpg I haven't written poetry in so long and I just got done teaching a lesson on poetry today, so I felt inspired to give it a go again. Not sure what I want to do with it, but all ideas are totally encouraged!
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is a completely rough draft, and I haven't written in a long time so I'm definitely rusty in my own writing! I want to thank you so much for the feedback. We did talk about the repetition of words, didn't we! When repetition is used on purpose it is called anaphora (which I think Mark was referring to in his comment), but it should serve a purpose and I don't think I have a purpose here, so I totally agree with your change to something like although. I do hope to keep the final "yet" to leave the reader with a feeling of an open ending and a potential future in which the boy does finally look this way.

I will have to tinker with the "his" lines. I am not sure how I would like to change them, but they can definitely be reworked too.

Thanks again,
Kelsey

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Thanks so much for the feedback. I do like repetition sometimes, but you are totally right; there is a fine line between using repetition for effect and redundancy. I'll be working on it!

Kelsey

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I didn't realize you had left a second comment. You are absolutely right that there is a lot of power in that ending, but I do want that hesitation possibility or whatever we might call it at the very end. I want the poem to evoke something positive and not negative. Do you think there might be a better way to portray it that brings the power you have created with this version of the end?

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using this?

yet
he doesn't look at me
yet...

I enjoyed this, yet... ~ Gee.
.

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Thanks so much for all the suggestions. Thoughts on the revision?

Kelsey

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author comment

The painting is a self portrait of the actor Matthew Gray Gubler, who is also a director and artist. He plays a genius on the show Criminal Minds. He is always trying to get them to let him grow wild hair like Einstein and have a really scruffy look with long nails and everything, so that he looks like a unkempt genius or mad scientist, but it's Hollywood so they won't always let him. They let him have his hair however he wants and that's about it. So a lot of his art that represents himself or that character really emphasizes that madness and wildness he really likes. He's a big fan of Edgar Allan Poe and Vincent van Gogh, so you can see where a lot of his inspiration comes from! I think he would love your poem.

Also, the line you mentioned is supposed to be like hands as soft as a velvet tree (a tree made of velvet). I wanted "tree" and not just "velvet" to match the image. I could definitely try to make this clearer in the poem.

Thank you so much,
Kelsey

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author comment

Is this a reference to the velveteen rabbit with a human component? I love it, especially the creaturely way you portray him. I really got a Christmasy atmosphere from this poem. Thank you.

this painting: 

http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/webpage/images/pastel%20gubler%20internet.jpg

I hate to spoil the poem for anyone and say I have a severe crush on the painter, but I do. 

But I do love your velveteen rabbit interpretation!

I haven't read the Velveteen Rabbit all the way through, but this portion always really stood out to me and I like to think it fits the poem:

"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Thank you,

Kelsey 

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