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Mass Anaesthesia (Serious Limerick WS)

Is life worth living without being conscious
mute witness feigning to be unconscious.
Isn't this mass anesthesia
and forced pseudo inertia
a stigma to our social subconscious?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

7to 10 syllables in lines 1,2and 5
5 to 7
in lines three and four

and one shouldn't manipulate the same word
for rhyming.....

in school days remember
Little Miss Muffet and etc bucket...

and Hickory Dickory dock etc
those were happy limericks

and made the poet well known for his new works

Sad Jess wants unhappy ones
let us all live in misery...

Wasn't aware about conformance of a syllable count in a Limerick till i read this...let me hear the comments of others too..thanks for the information...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I would try re-writing line 2, to reduce the syllables.
other than that, this is good stuff.
Can you make a limerick serious?
You just did.
Keep writing, my friend.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I will certainly take a re look on syllable count in line 2 and re work on it...good to know you liked the rest of it...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I shall look up the syllable count tomorrow it is a little late here, but as with all writes we have quite a leeway to work with as we are writers of poetry and boundaries have to be explored in all things,
Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

This gets one of my votes.
There has been a paucity of voting so it has been difficult for me to decide a winner without it being my own choice.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks Jess

for your positive comment. Coming from the WS host means a lot more.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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