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Mapwork

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Thu, 2012-09-13 17:36

Mapwork by RW
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Mapwork
inside my eyelids
pressed
white flash
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traces of magnesium stars flutter
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fireflies in May between retina and lens
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is this the stroke, where it begins
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extremities are feeling numb
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pay to live now pay to crumble
-
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Striking laughter winds in rage
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ripping ground does it assauge?
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or is it just another reminder
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of the ants under the spyglass
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our human race
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God is just a master chemist
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experimenting on the small ones
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ants to traitors
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simple raiders
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we are the victims of

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-24 21:59

BlueDemon77's picture

I appreciate your kind words. The sentiment is vaguely Sumerian as they had the Tigris and Euphrates to contend with. I have to admit, I like this one too.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-09-21 13:01

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

hi ron
i really find the dashes distracting - sorry

i like the write, but for me it's not that memorable though - really it says nothing new, or anything old in a particularly new way

and the last line, with the use of the preposition at the end, makes the write seem unfinished ...

i do like the analogy of god as a master chemist
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-24 22:09

BlueDemon77's picture

Thanks for the comments and criticisms. I agree, the thought that the gods are against us is ancient. The dashes aren't there for any aesthetic reason. They were added for use with a poetry streaming software, where the dashes add time before the next line is printed. I appreciate your input.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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