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Man
I accepted his explanation to stay inside
He is a boy of course, he can be outside
Boys are strong and powerful
They have the luxury of inherited freedom
To be and see beyond the horizon
Without restrictions to their own being
I long to be a boy to go outside
Being inside was like being in a crowd
Girls are delicate and fragile things
Everyone around reinforced such things
Your hair is beautiful! That’s a pretty dress
A show-piece for my mother’s glory
A woman now and it still feels the same
He is a man now and a successful one
Comfortable with his life without a son
I love and treasure my own two sons
My strength and power is because of them
A woman of pride and admiration of them
That journey to this point was the lesson
A temporary place on this planet for me
A woman, an aunt, a sister, a mother, I am
Trying my best to not want to be a man
This is just short term I tell myself
Someday I will be a strong, powerful man
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I try to set out an order chronologically. I like to have a pattern relating to the title. I start out with a simple line to provoke. I end the paragraph with the resolution to that first line. I would like to know if the content gives out my intention. I suspect the the structure and lack of punctuation may cause confusion.
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
Sparrow
Wed, 2018-08-15 19:04
Hinehori
Welcome to Neopoet,
This write well me I love it creeps around with such strength, also it has a story that is played out in many households.
At least you are not alone, always remember that New Zealand was the first to give the women the vote..
Take care and I wait to see what the others think of this piece, Yours Ian ..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
raj
Thu, 2018-08-16 05:04
Hello Hinehori
Welcome to Neopoet, a poetry workshop and community of poets....I am sure you will enjoy your time here and partake in various workshops and contests, as well as post your creative writing and comment/critique those of others...should you find difficulty in navigating this site, feel free to connect with me or any other member...
your poem walks the reader through the years of your growing up delivering one role after another and all along the fantasy to have the physical strength and freedom of the male remains strong....
while physically men/boys may be stronger than females it is said that females have an inner strength of compassion, love and procreation ...of course there are exceptions...
keep writing and critiquing works of others...
..................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Eumolpus
Fri, 2018-08-17 11:37
your poem
is very readable, the ideas follow one another like building blocks. As to the punctuation, you have only omitted periods- you have commas, reclamation...my credo is do all or none. "Some" punctuation is half baked. Finishing it with periods would not in any way change the poem, only make it more complete.
Living in 2018 it is clear that the women's movement, started in earnest around 1800, is now finally of age. In our modern societies the politics of equality has reached a new standard, and even in the more conservative cultures the weight of globalization is putting pressure of every aspect of defining our roles. So as an old dude I look at your poem with almost a nostalgia of the past, when men were men and women knew their place; but in truth I would gladly flush that sexism down the toilet and be in the company of women who take on the challenge of life with the same gusto as men. Someday I hope you will become a "strong, powerful woman".
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings