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A Major's Memoirs ( Military Memories' contest )

With long-life fear blossoms stay fresh
of shirts once soaked in blood and flesh.
As lavish bombs would lash the ear,
blossoms stay fresh with long-life fear.

In search for peace, pellets blast the air
men fight fiends, women fight the scare,
but how could the stars stay in ease,
when pellets blast in search for peace!

The crimson moon hung 'cross the sky
then farewell soon with no goodbye,
to show again, it won't be soon,
It passed away -that crimson moon.

The heroes fall like pretty stars
with heavy wounds, unhealed scars,
with broken hearts that once were whole,
like pretty stars the heroes fall.

Some roads we tread though high the price,
all profits gone but for the mice,
we lived in shells and tears we shed,
so high the price for roads we tread.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Swap Quatrain The Swap Quatrain was created by Lorraine M. Kanter. Within the Swap Quatrain each stanza in the poem must be a quatrain (four lines) where the first line is reversed in the fourth line. In addition, line 2 must rhyme with line 1, and line 3 must rhyme with line 4 and so on, BUT not repeat the same rhyming pattern on subsequent stanzas.  Rhyming pattern: AABB, CCDD, and so on.
Editing stage: 

Comments

First I thought it is a sonnet but it is not since it runs into 5 quatrains instead of 4 quatrains + 1 two liner....anyway it runs as smooth as a sonnet...i notice the rhyme sequence as aabb, ccdd, eeff, gghhh, iijjj...may be conforming to some poetry form i am not aware of

In L1 S3 may be you wanted to use "hung" instead of "hanged" ,,,i don't think the change would make any difference in syllable count

the forced rest seems to have helped you to write this...

take good care on your road to full recovery..

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for the visit.
This is a form called 'the swap quatrain '
The number of quatrains is unlimited. All you need to have 8 syllables each line. The first and fourth lines are repeated but you make a swap between the first part and the second part of the first line, hence comes the name. Don't know if the form fits the theme.

As for hanged, it's the exact word as you see the moon is "crimson " took its color from the blood shed in the battle and then it's hanged itself across the sky and passed away.

The forced rest was just what I needed I guess. Ha!

Thank you dear raj

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

if you had not told me about this form involving swap i may not have noticed it....i read it again to see how this swap has been done....surely it is more demanding than sonnet and you are an ever green tryer ...

hmmmmmmmmmmmm so poets are also now involved in swapping :) of course of words

your explanation about hanged is absolutely right

take best care dear friend....

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

For benefit of readers like me who are not well versed with the nuances of specific poetry forms, i suggest you add information about this swap form in last few words...
.....................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

as recommended raj
Thank you

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

for adding information about this form of poetry in last few words. Readers would now be able to better appreciate your poem and the challenges involved. However you have not mentioned that a line can also be split and swapped as you had mentioned to me and as is done by you in your contest poem.
..................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

It says that the first line is reversed in the fourth line
Here is the definition and some example as you follow the link

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/swapquatrain.html

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

are you saying that the line cannot be split into two?

raj (sublime_ocean)

and reverse the two parts in the fourth line

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

but is it allowed by the metrics of the form? just curious. not that I intend to have a go at it :)
..............................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

not give it a go? :)
It's not a very strict form. All you need is to accept the challenge. Metrically there are no real restrictions.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

it is tougher than a sonnet and I am still in kinder garden learning to get a sonnet right...
..................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

it is tougher than a sonnet and I am still in kinder garden learning to get a sonnet right...
..................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

the only thing I would shudder
to be treated by
bombs so '''lavish''
good for contest
you may like to so
MARK IT
Rula

(Military memories)
dear lovedly
Thanks for the visit.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I didn't know
they had done away with Contests

now you can hang me
hopefully...

Raj is right about the word [hanged] it should be hung!
~ Geezer.
.

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A verb used without obj. No. 4
I really need help here

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/hanged

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

no disputes grammatically but

''Hanged, as a past tense and a past participle of hang, is used in the sense of
“to put to death by hanging,” as in Frontier courts hanged many a prisoner after a summary trial. A majority of the Usage Panel objects to hung used in this sense.

but the ''moon''
may prefer to be hung

Rula now your poetic
version and final decision
to avoid multiple confusion

I edited after many doing many readins. Seems the two words are v. close in their usage.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

you may think about shortening the title of this good contest poem to " A Majpr's Memoirs"
.............................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I like it.
Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your valuable thoughts dear frind.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

love what you've done with the swap quatrain form! it's the first that i've heard of it. this would translate very well to being shared aloud. the repetition is beautiful.

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