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Magpie Hill
As I sit on Magpie Hill,
amongst a kaleidoscope thrill,
caramel hillsides and hidden glens,
watching my dog run with canine friends,
chasing The Magpies, chasing some cranes,
to me it seemed rather mundane.
Sitting there enjoying the breeze,
enjoying life and changing leaves.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
swamp-witch
Thu, 2018-03-08 12:13
Hey Trekker,
I hope a painting will eventually accompany this one!
The imagery and word choices of the lines:
amongst a kaleidoscope thrill,
caramel hillsides and hidden glens
are so evocative and magical, I love them! The magpie and its connotations as a black bird also bring up those magical feelings for me. If I could make a suggestion, if you don't mind, I think some of the other lines don't stand up to the power of those lines. The poem feels like it fizzles out a little bit. Maybe that was intended; as the narrator (you, I imagine) "came back to reality" from the little moment of transcendentalism that nature provided, but if that is the case, that transition doesn't come across clearly in the poem. Maybe a line break between "hidden glens" and "watching my dog" would do it. Or an additional line that eases the reader between the magic of the beginning of the poem and the mundane nice moment of the end of the poem. Thoughts?
Hope you don't mind the suggestion, I love being swept away to other places and moments by your poems, so I wanted to share my ideas if you decide to revise.
Take care,
Kelsey
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raj
Thu, 2018-03-08 13:33
Hi Trekker
i liked the rhyme which didn't seem forced...something i haven't been able to do...
....
raj (sublime_ocean)
Obadiah Grey
Fri, 2018-03-09 13:58
Hello. I hesitate to offer up
Hello. I hesitate to offer up a critique but,,,, If you could extricate yourself from this and the use of other personal pronouns and concentrate on the scene, and the moment.. "on Magpie Hill amongst a kaleidoscope thrill, caramel hillsides and hidden glens" sets a wonderful scene and would be the makings of a great pastoral idyll.
Obi.
trekker
Fri, 2018-03-09 21:19
Magpie Hill
Magpie Hill is a hillside nestled in Millcreek Ravine, located in the centre of Edmonton, Alberta. It has a single picnic table,and a fire pit which my dog and I often wrote poetry about appreciating life and the surroundings we were blessed to experience for fourteen years. Millcreek ravine is a healing, and hopeful sanctuary for a poet whose Westhighland terrier strove to keep up with the big dogs. It brought me great joy and encouragement to see only his two white ears bounce up and down in the tall grass trying his best to keep up. This poem is one of my early pieces out of my self-published chapbook "The White Chair" and as to any changes I am reluctant, however am thankful for the comments and advise. A canvas has yet to be painted but is on my list of "must paint" and will be posted on my #trekkerdekker Instagram site soon. Thank you again, you all are certainly gracious.
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