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made separate

Made separate from One
with a colourful burst,
at the beginning of creation.
Set forth to travel
through time and space,
for study and recreation.

Tasting the bitter
as well as the sweet,
as without both there's no comprehension.
Learning to travel the medium strip
to avoid unwanted tension.

Endlessly seeking harmonious joining
with others of similar vibe,
in an unconscious wanting,
an inherited yearning,
to restore the ancestral tribe.

But we left the garden to gain our adulthood,
to attain our coming of age,
and, once acknowledged in the Book of Life,
we're entrusted to write on each page.

Our aim's to seek knowledge
and, with know-how and wisdom,
master our own energy;
to steer our souls
in the path chosen for them
by the one who knows better than we.

Until then we wander our separate ways
as we each chase our own destinies,
and we'll all meet again
at the end of this legend,
holding fresh books for new histories.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

'learning to travel the medium strip' is an odd line.
'but we left the garden to gain our adulthood' no, we left it to learn shame.

The rest changes suddenly and becomes somewhat wonderful.

You got me perplexed, even elements of cognitive dissonance.
'to steer our souls in the path chosen for them' is a paradox.

A weird and inconsistent poem.I don't like it.
Then I am probably missing something of significance.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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Some favorite amongst other favorite lines

and once acknowledged in the Book of Life
we're entrusted to write on each page

and we'll all meet again at the end of this legend
holding fresh books for new histories

raj (sublime_ocean)

Oh Great !, a creation for the thinking man, how did he/she become so embroiled in their own image that there has to be someone in charge.
I wonder if man in his smallness ever believe that there has never been a beginning or an end.
We will end in our physical form and hopefully we will become something of use to the universe.
It is a subject that is very hard to write of, as we have a start date and end date we assume that everything is the same..
Later in that dimension you think of drop by and have a cup of tea, just ask the Children where Grandad is and there I have my cave and a seat from the children so that I can watch them at play.
I also have written a couple of these type of poems one when I was 15 I will look it out :- Ah! here it is,
I have found it..
There in infinity dwelt a silence of a void
The void with its glow, pulsed Alpha and Omega
Here is where man in his limited ways cannot be
For infinity has no place for time or things like man

The glow pulsed for an instant, was this infinity
Born of the voids of timeless distance and space
Infinity stirred pushing, pulsing, spreading outward
Once again pushing itself into the birth of being

Filling the eternal void as it exploded outward
The further it pushed into being there was the light
Spurred on by its release into the short eternity
So once again Alpha reached out its hand for Omega
(Ian.T 1958)
Have a great day out there the sun will be up or the Earth will turn, Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

In my mind, this is free verse masquerading as structured and I spend a lot of time trying to reconcile the two, to the detriment of the flow of the piece for me. Additionally, the inconsistent punctuation makes me look for endpoints and style clues that do not exist.

Lastly, there are several lines that blur the threshold between poetry and prose and, I have to admit, I am not a huge fan of prosey.

I am, obviously, a lazy reader. I feel I should never have to work very hard to make it through a poem and if something is going to be difficult to read, I want it to be so exceptional that I feel my life is changed by the effort.

I’ve never written anything like that. I’ve also never read anything like that from any poet aside from Yates.

So, you see, the bar is pretty high.

But, I have to admit, I found a lot of good imagery in this and wanted to like it more than I actually liked it. And though that sounds like damning with faint praise, it indicates that I see value and am frustrated it’s been paid less attention than it deserves.

Taking just the first stanza, without changing a single word:

Made separate from One,
with a colourful burst
at the beginning
of creation.
Set forth to travel,
through time and through space,
for study and recreation;
tasting the bitter,
as well as the sweet;
as without both there's no comprehension.
Learning to travel the
medium strip,
to avoid unwanted tension.

I know it’s a style to leave out capitalization and punctuation to make poetry “pure” or something to that effect, it’s just not a style for which I care as it always seems a bit pretentious. It is, to me, like saying, “If you were smart enough, you’d understand this.”

I love poetry. I love writing it and reading it. But neither makes me a better person and I am always suspect of anything claiming privilege.

This piece has a lot to offer, I just wanted it offered more freely.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

You know I tend to throw out suggested changes in hopes one or two might be deemed suitable to the writer. Well, here I go again lol. The difference being that you are to be the first recipient of an attempted cut and past rendition which includes the changes.........me holding breath hoping it works.

made separate from One with that colourful burst
at the beginning of creation
set forth to travel through time, through space
for study and recreation
tasting the bile as well as the honey
as without both there's no comparison

learning to travel the medium strip
to avoid unwanted tension

endlessly seeking harmonious joining
with others of similar tone
in an unconscious wanting, an inherited yearning
to restore the ancient tribe

but we fled the garden to gain our adulthood
to attain our coming of age
and once acknowledged in the Book of Life
we're entrusted to leave our marks on each page

our aim's to seek wisdom, and with know-how and knowledge
to master our own energy
to steer our souls in the path meant for them
by the one who knows better than we

until then we wander our individual ways
as we each track our own destinies
and we'll all meet again at the end of this tome
holding unwritten books for new histories

ALRIGHT!!
Now to address Jess's concern with this poem being too steeped in religion. I think he just failed to see you used these few phrases as metaphors and this could easily be read as bereft of OR steeped in religion according to the reader's wont. I myself like the blending of the two because to me it showed how closely intertwined science and faith are. .............stan

I'm sorry, Judyanne, but I don't much care for it. The enjambment wore me out and of course you know how I feel about punctuation.
As for religion, I can't tell what is your real perspective, but I agree with Stan's version over Jess'.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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This is one of my very first writes, and, at the time, I literally spat it out as is .... I recently came across it and wondered if it was worth working on. I really appreciate all of your comments and suggestions, and am about to go edit....

Jess - I never meant this to have any particular religious connotations - as Stan said, I was attempting to use metaphors for the concept of the many coming from the whole..... and I disagree with you as to why we left the garden .... can't wait to get over to Sydney again to have a philosophical discussion with you xxx
One question - how is 'steering souls in the path chosen' a paradox ?

Jonathon, I think I agree with you re the form. I think your suggestion would improve it (see, I'm not totally averse to punctuation) so will be editing it with your thoughts in mind.

Stan, I like many of your suggestions and will possibly incorporate some. Thank you

Wes, Ian, Raj, thanks for your perspectives

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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