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Lullaby Heart

Gluttonous loneliness chews and grinds
upon the lifeline of borrowed time
sumptuously feeding all day and night
beyond drawn curtains of human sight.

Remorseless persistent depression
accompanied by pantomimed dark
silent suffering voices fear to
from rusted armored shells so paper

Dying shadows of displaced memories fall
across haunted eyes reddened and dull
Reason is imprisoned behind bars of pain
as the death masked warden executes your name.

Beaten tortured ruptured and tangled
vanquished emotions lie brutally mangled
awaiting an ending to a fractional existence
devoid of the strength to offer further resistance.

Regret strikes a pose in a mirror loosely
in a border called deception constructed as
reflecting a vague image that doesn't ask
just accepts as a solution the notion to

Resolve has now surrendered
succumbing at long last
to an unattainable future
and an unforgiving past
In the spiraling depths
of a lullaby heart
all that once was
twisting in the dark
twitching in the dark
rigid in the dark.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The act of suicide generally lacks rhythm or pattern...that's why so many people don't see it coming. Although I enjoy writing humor most, I have a padded cell at the end of my Green Mile grey matter. Don't worry folks, this spool of thread won't hold long.
Editing stage: 


This drew me in and flowed well just one small stutter, let me find it again..
Ah! here it is:-

Dying shadows
of displaced
memories fall
across eyes
sunken (dull). (A word needed here to keep the rhyme)
I think this is the only pause in the flow, otherwise an excellent write, Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks Ian, your watchful eye is really appreciated and so very constructive. I agree with your assessment and I'm thinking along the lines of "palled dull", "orbed skull" or something of that nature. This is a first showing (my wife asked if I was OK since this thought train is unusual for me) and I'm pleased at the first responses. Thanks again.

author comment

The first verse is amazing, grips the reader straight in.The rest isn't half bad either. Nice work. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

I've been taught you have to craft the hook and your "amazing" comment blows me away. So many great writers here (your in there) I sometimes find myself being gun shy about my pieces even though I know this site is about growth. However, stretch me because honestly...I'll never be satisfied with half-bad. I may not be swimming with the sharks but I'm not afraid to feed them. If I can't make a reader "feel it in the knees", I've fell short of my intended goal. Thanks for your time and consideration.

author comment

Forgive me, that was a lazy comment for me to make about your poem. (Aint half bad either). Your poem was very good, what i've never been a fan of is the stretched lines or verses. If the poems good it won't need gimmiks, and as i said i was captured from the beginning. I just thought the serious message you were portraying, was trivialised slightly with the streching of verse. It was a very good poem, but i think it would be easier to read and so carry the message better in normal verse. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

It wasn't lazy, is was polite...and I'm a fan of polite. The stretched verse is an attempt at inserting an unrhythm even though the words are rhythmed. I was sincere wanting to be better and successfully reaching an audience broadens the canvas on which we can reach them. I like it when people express what they really feel because it's what I do. Keeping it real will refine us all. Thanks for coming back and helping me understand. I simply thought after the captivating first verse you felt my content weakened. I feel better knowing it was just a structure thing. That's exactly why I can't wait to get into the "kiddie pool" work shop. LOL

author comment

Revamped...again. Flow, flow, flow.

author comment

I visited the ruined walls of many ...
dust laden sunlight halls...
suicide...when the door latchs..
and the lid hatch drops....

I remember those helpless pain
filled numb ends...
the default re start beginnings..

Sweet poem
Love the heart theme!!!

(listening to Coma White to cheer me up!!)

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