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Love

Submitted by chevyvent on Sun, 2016-11-13 21:37

Love

Love has lost yet it also has gained
Humanities biggest claiim to fame
We shall soar as the eagle onto heaven's shore
Lest I implore a cry for more
There's more to do for what you have in store
Shadows break through the eclipse of the sun
A roll of the dice will make you think twice
Silent words in the night will wail in it's fright
Yet still I'm captivated by the love out of heaven from above
Let light with love & laughter fill the sky
A spark of a flame can make you insane
For I seek to explain the opened door in twain
The lightning flares up in the Autumn leaves through the trees
Today mark the man who is willing to explore
I treasured a red rose that was plucked so long ago
Through sheltered dreams filled with vast evil schemes
It's better to loved & lost then to never have loved before
Hence the opened door on a quest to so much more
Love is the essence of my existence & claim to fame
Not having her in my arms is driving me insane
Within this vast universe we all have a choice
Yet there stands no one today with such a poetic voice

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2017-03-26 11:21

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is very bland and does nothing for the poem. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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swamp-witch

Sun, 2017-03-26 14:01

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I agree with Gee that the title could use work! "Love" is really bland for a title, especially since love is a very complex thing. You even begin to show us how complex love is with your first line, which reads "Love has lost yet it also has gained."

I think there are some lines with a lot of potential here, and some polishing could take this work a long way. However, a lot of these strong lines seem to be surrounded by overused phrases and images. I am going to show you an idea for revisions of this poem where you omit those overused phrases. I don't want you to feel like I am trying to take over your poem, but I hope the following version will give you an idea of the potential this poem has and what you might do with it:

Shadows break through the eclipse of the sun
Silent words in the night, like demons, wail in fright
Still I'm captivated by the love which flows down from Heaven

Hell's flame can drive you to madness
Heat lightning flares in the Autumn leaves of nightmares
How terrible that sheltered dreams are overcome by evil

Love is the essence of my existence
Laying here without her in my arms does my soul harm
Like Heaven in shambles and Hell on the rise

I noticed your internal rhyme, so I tried to retain that in some way. I also noticed that the two lines that stood out the most to me both started with "S", so I thought I would try to make the entire poem follow a pattern like that. At the end of the day, this is your poem and your choice. These are just some ideas that could make your imagery stand out.

Critique, don't comment.

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