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The longing for my beauty...*

The longing for my beauty bends a lot
those saddened bones I have to carry straight;
from legs to brain in pieces they will rot -
with helpless stanzas you'll confound my weight.

It's hard, you know... the gape devours my soul
when I confront the brightness of your eyes
and I shall dwell in darkness like a mole
that fights the sun until one fighter dies.

Be praised in life and glorified in death
your voice, your face, your deepness and your light
that bursts illusions from your flaming breath
and swims in twilight towards me, tonight.

Grow like a flower in my heart and stay,
not in this world to whom you'll be astray.

* My 20th sonnet which I wrote a long time ago.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

what kind of sonnet this might be. Certainly not romantic? Not with breath that flames! I also don't associate [deepness] with light. More like the mole. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Hi. Interesting work.
I don't understand the above comment. a sonnet has 14 lines, ends in a couplet. some use stanza breaks, others, like Shakespeare, do not. Like a "Sonata" form in music, a three movement work of composition, there are many specific sonnets (Italian, French, Plutarch ect) but also endless variations. Today many sonnets are written without rhyme, but with specific meter. There is no such thing as a "romantic" sonnet, any more than a romantic sonata...it's mixing content with form.

I wouldn't state the poem is 20 years old. Perhaps after the poem put the date down.. I understand we are all tempted to look back at our work with some concern. To the reader does not really matter, the work is judged on the merits. Rimbaud wrote his best stuff at 19 years old and all the rest, Because the poem is old does not make the reader more sympathetic with comments. That is up to the literary critics and biographers of the future, who trade their secrets in academic journals
which they read among themselves.

Sound first: the poem has great sound. Depending on the stress you use, it could all be said to keep the beat going without a hitch.

Second thing I look at in a poem , the "line" and they each share integrity and weight.

As to the content, the poem just reached a bit to far for me to have clear idea of what it's really about. I sense some kind of Keatsian allusion, some type of vague spiritual, Blake like vision. I can't wrap my head around it, and so emotionally I leave the poem distant.

So yes there is a younger level attempt here, common to us as students in our first attempts to create a visionary poetry.
Young poets avoid accessibility. Mature poets find the right spot between comprehension and distance.

But the craft shows promise.. Glad you continued writing!.

..

..

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I agree with the previous commentators. The sonnet is good, but more like one written by a student. There are quite a few clichès, such as in the strophe pasted below:

brightness of your eyes>>>>>used a lot.
and I shall dwell in darkness like a mole<<<<dwell in darkness as well.

I'll return, I certainly think you have something good to work on.

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

First off, I hope you are well in these times of epidemiological crisis. Stay safe!

Secondly, I appreciate your comments, you are right, there are some few clichès and I would deem this sonnet just good myself, but not great. I wrote it when I was 19 years old, in 2008. Back then I wrote 20 sonnets in English and stopped afterwards, since I considered my goal to have been reached.

"Because the poem is old does not make the reader more sympathetic with comments."

Eumolpus, it should not be the case, the work still needs to be judged based on its own merits, no question about that.

Off-topic, I think produced far better sonnets in my mother tongue.

Cheers,
Ionut Popa

author comment

that many poets find that English is a very hard language to [dare I make up a word here?] poetisize. LoL. But it is true that our language is very hard for some to learn. If you continue to write poetry in English, I would suggest that you read more contemporary poets, instead of the [old masters]; because our language is very fluid and changes quickly as compared to others. All in all, you do have talent and I will be interested to see what kind of work you produce in the future.~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thanks a lot for the encouragement! Things have changed considerably, I dare say, since I wrote this sonnet, I've read many books written by native English speakers, so I'm more comfortable now with this fluidity of the English language, so to speak. Conversely, I can refrain myself from posting old poems so as to not raise confusion, my new works being far more relevant in terms of what I can currently deliver in the poetry department.

Cheers,
Ionut Popa

author comment

i love this sonnett. regarding a comment about sonnets being romantic, many of the romantic poets, as they are called, wrote sonnetts. and in my opinion a sonnett can certainly be romantic. i do not see iambic pentameter as much as i would like to and i think you did an excellent job. i would not guess this was written by anyone of a certain age - just a skilled poet. i love it

I'm really glad you feel this way about this sonnet, thanks for the feedback!
I guess some find it just good (myself included :-) ), while others might deem it excellent or great, I don't know...

Cheers!

author comment
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