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Lonely Cloud

It's presence was like a jewel,
standing out, in a calm blue pool,
a lone white cloud;
it was peaceful, so loud,
breaking the palatte of the day,
on a still, smooth bay.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Inspired by Brazzeau Reservoir Alberta, and a past summer afternoon.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Paints the picture and mood. perfect words. Maybe a semicolon after cloud.
I don't think the title does justice to this lovely poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I looked up the Brazzeau Reservoir. Looks like there's tons of scenic spots!

I really like the brevity of the poem, the rhyme, the unexpected images (a jewel in a pool), and the seemingly contradictory juxtaposition (it was peaceful but loud).

I do have a few suggestions, if you don't mind.

First I think the title might be more enticing if it wasn't a repetition of the first line. Could you call this lone cloud both a jewel and also perhaps something else (in the title)? Or make the title not about the object at all, but the feeling? With such a short poem, I think that will help make the most of all that you have.

Also, I think the jewel comparison on the first line could be made stronger by using a metaphor instead of a simile ("Its presence of a jewel" instead of "Its presence was like a jewel"). By the way, it should be Its (possessive) not It's (contraction of it is).

Lastly, I wonder if you meant "palette" (like a selection of colors for painting) instead of "palate" (the roof of the mouth) on line five?

Hope these suggestions help. Please remember you don't have to make any of these changes; they are just ideas if you decide to revise. I enjoyed going on this little journey with you. I do love seeing a few clouds stand out on an otherwise clear day. Don't know why, but it just feels good.

Take care,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

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www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

i do not understand one line though,
it is where peaceful and loud come together

IRiz

The effect of being so isolated and away from society's constant noise was so apparent, the silence had a huge effect on me. It was most unsettling for the first three days.

author comment

cool:)
loud silence
i like it

IRiz

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