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Let love reign

If the era of love stands supreme,
once again this gloomy earth would gleam.
Across the universe if we allow love to reign,
there would never be strife again.

Existence of love is not a myth,
let us nurture it to supersede on earth.
It does not only exist above,
for it on earth let us daily crave.

The age of friendliness we all await,
for its dawn on earth to break.
But this starts with loving oneself.
Then our environs it will engulf.

The fight for love let us all accede,
then it will on earth come with speed,
in our hearts let it flow like a spring.
across the earth a loud bell let it ring.

Hatred on earth was birthed by envy,
It can be replaced if we are ready.
Racism,prejudice on earth is deadly.
Warmth without restrain will make earth lively.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

man has been around for a million years
it's not in our nature to be this ideal
or we would have figured it out by now

but I guess it's still worth hoping

Idealism can only take you so far in life, or poetry
I prefer to address what is here and now

but , do your thing ...

Al

Thanks a lot sir.

author comment

I am hardly an expert poet but I have heard other who are experts state it's generally not a good thing to use the same word over and over too much. "Reign " being the word in this instance. using a word with the same or similar meaning would be one way to accomplish this and another can be to just delete the word. Let me show you what I mean if you don't mind :

If the reign of love stands supreme,
on gloomy earth there it will gleam.
Over the earth let us allow love to rain.
Across the universe let it be sovereign.

Love on earth is not a myth.
we can nurture love to rule on earth.
Love does not exist only above.
let us open our hearts to the time of love.

The reign of love we all await,
and its dawn on earth to break.
But this starts with loving oneself.
Then our environs completely it will engulf.

The fight for love let us all accede,
then it will on earth come with speed.
Let love in our hearts flow like a spring.
Across the earth a loud bell let it ring.

Hatred is the seed planted by envy,
love can replace it if we are ready.
Racism,prejudice to this reign is deadly,
these and other things drive us to frenzy

Ok, I took the liberty of making a few other changes also lol. But None of the changes are meant to be taken word for word they are just put in to show there Are alternatives and I'd never presume to actually rewrite another's poem. I hope this has been helpful and you are, of course, free to take advice or not as you see fit after all this is Your poem.......stan

Yes, it really helped.It is actually still in the editing stage changes could be made. Thank you so much for this contribution.

author comment

Yes, it really helped.It is actually still in the editing stage changes could be made. Thank you so much for this contribution.

author comment

I like your poem but feel a
minimal amount of work would
improve it greatly.
The first stanza; "gleam" feels
forced to me, it isn't used properly
in the sentence, although at times
even that is a poetic device in itself.
"Sovereign"
ˈsäv(ə)rən (the way it is pronounced,
it doesn't fit the rhyme scheme, not sure
what to suggest there, up to you, I'm just
pointing out what you may want to address.

Another thing I'd like to point out is the
repeated words "love" and "reign",
"reign" you've addressed somewhat but
the word "love" is mentioned ten times.

One of my pet peeves are titles, while it
isn't possible to have a great title for every
poem, it is possible to have one that is
well thought out. Using direct lines and
used verbiage to direct the theme in title
is the easy way out, we've all done it so it
is nothing to be concerned about really, like
I said, it is one of my personal pet peeves.

I thought your last line needed something
stronger there, but it does work.

Please know that I am only making suggestions,
this poem is yours and I thank you for sharing it
and choosing the critique options chosen.

All that said, you show quite the flair for
the written word and I look forward to you
sharing more with us.

Richard

Thank you so much sir , I appreciate your effort.

author comment

The feedback you received from Stan and Richard was excellent.

It is intriguing to notice cultural differences especially in terms of apperception of themes previously tackled quite famously. As your first poem echoed the famous John Lennon song, this one puts me in mind of the stage musical "Hair", "Age of Aquarius".

One thing to be very careful of in dealing with such huge subjects is the tendency to 'preach'. Here you narrowly avoid it by using the grammatical form first person plural 'let us nurture', imagine how bad it would have been if you told us what to do with second person 'you should nurture'. See what I mean?

I applaud your work.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Thank you so much sir, I appreciate your effort.

author comment

Very often when I read your poems I want to sing along. That is of course an ok thing! This is like a folk song written in the 60's, but it is also a song that can very much be sung today in so many styles, including rap. Songs more than poems often deal with universal truths, especially love, and I'm sure you're aware of so many of the songs about the hope of universal love and peace.
Poetry, for me, is duplicitous, and has tension, and often complex personal emotional offering. It does not simply state universal truths or opinions, (which I agree with, not the point)

Hatred on earth was birthed by envy,
It can be replaced if we are ready.
Racism,prejudice on earth is deadly.
Love without restrain will make earth lively.

Great song for the Marvin Gaye. There is no "you" in these lines.
But the work has flair- Have you considered becoming a lyricist? I wish I could!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you so much Eumolpus, I really appreciate this comment.Yes, I do wish to be a lyricist. Your comments have always been of help and thank once again.

author comment

google for synonyms
make the poem
hearts with eros soften
in forms so different
need help
then say so
poet MG

a strong feeling of affection.
"babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"
synonyms: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment; devotion, adoration, doting, idolization, worship;
passion, ardour, desire, lust, yearning, infatuation, adulation, besottedness
"his friendship with Helen grew into love"
compassion, care, caring, regard, solicitude, concern, warmth, friendliness, friendship, kindness, charity, goodwill, sympathy, kindliness, altruism, philanthropy, unselfishness, benevolence, brotherliness, sisterliness, fellow feeling, humanity
"their love for their fellow human beings"
relationship, love affair, affair, romance, liaison, affair of the heart, intrigue, amour
"he is confident that their love can survive"

Thank you so much Lovedly , your suggestion will be useful.

author comment

Thank you so much Lovedly , your suggestion will be useful.

author comment

after poet here
congrats MG
your poetry is also lovely

Oh, thank you so much Lovedly I really appreciate your kind comment ,it was really uplifting.

author comment

Oh, thank you so much Lovedly I really appreciate your kind comment ,it was really uplifting.

author comment
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