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Lamp (Exploration of style workshop, freeform- revised)

It is dull,
the impulse to write demands better
come it from passion, madness or craft
as Elliot said
"Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion,
but an escape from emotion;
likewise personality.
But, of course,
only those who have personality and emotions
want to escape from them."
I have passion, madness and some craft,
yet all is dull.

Editing stage: 

Comments

We know what Elliot said, but is it not for you to give us a modern you comment on these things.
I know you have an opinion of Free form SO ??
I know I am not part of the workshop but I am a busy body sometimes lol,
Yours as always, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I was pushing the boundaries of freeform by using a quote.
I may reconsider that last line.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The quote overwhelms the poem I think. I'd not suggest abandoning the quote but, rather, expanding the poem. One good way would be by concentrating on and expanding upon the next to last line. You could do something like :
I have passion
yet fear to loose it
lest it run beyond control

I have madness
a two edged sword
which frees but also
knows not right from wrong

And I have a bit of craft
which demands the best I have
my instruction manual

Just an idea for you to improve upon..........stan

I will refrain from making any revisions until this stage of the workshop is complete.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

are all here to help one another and I'm pleased you think my 2 cents might be of worth. Hope you are doing well........stan

As it stands, with the poetry so scant, it's more of a blog.

But let's get to something more important... the quote is riveting. I feel I live that day to day. How I would love to be a bit dull. Less emotion surely, but less "personality"...
Wherever did you come by it my good man?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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That I have seen from Weirdelf...And I know that many Like their poets and
the laurels and all...I sing songs and remember two lyrics..My brain gone
long ago....I waited for comments to add here because I was unsure if it
was mere pushing about of a reworked poem or an old poem reposted
which is nice to read here on the site.... After the steam and kettle
poetry interchange I see I dont have the insights of many....I did use the
word steam though in a poem lately so thats good!!! Like weirdelf says
read poetry!! gives you the words to work your own works...

Its quite insightful and grounded and sound..

Thank You!

I was pushing the form to extremis, and yes it needs work to make it a work,
but no need to feel you lack insight. I practice insight more than writing poetry and quite often miserably miss the mark. Ours is not an exact science.
I do perceive and appreciate that you have been giving more relevant and useful feedback for some time now.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

like albums...songs..
certian feel to a singer..
or writer...lyric writer..
Then they move on..keel over
or switch bands...
I keep evolving here...Now its more creepier
darker...Just going further into the jungle
and matrix of human study..
Going native...slowly..

We do read each others works
and the affect and word pick up
line sharing..idealogies get
worked into our works..

Its nice to get the sparks sometimes
to create visions to write
and sometimes the rain

Thank You

Not part of the workshop but feel a need:-

You pushed the limits of the freeform but with a delicate touch, you needed to make new boundaries.
I have had another look at the piece and found it needed a few extra lines, to make the title adequate.

Lamp:-

Shall I then reach out from this imposed madness?
Embracing those, that to me are masters,
I will seek that light that teases the dark void.
Bathe in its mysteries and write with my soul/feelings.
Honouring the masters ways
I shall write with the aid of my dimming lamp.

I feel that this piece is great, yet it is like listening to half a record, hope these lines will show you what I am talking about.
Take care young man and know we are there for you,
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

but, as with the general consensus, I think the length of the quote spoils the impact of your thought...
I wouldn't suggest you lengthen the poem however, rather I'd suggest you try to shorten, or paraphrase the quote...

(I actually don't think you need the quote at all)

and I really like the use of 'lamp' as the light of inspiration - very clever imo
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I'll have a look at shortening it, though I like the "transgression" involved in using a quote in a poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I'll have a look at shortening it, though I like the "transgression" involved in using a quote in a poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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