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Lament

On Valentine Card
I penned from my heart, rubies
and pearly corals.

Their luster has dulled
yet, our laughter swirls
caged within my ribs

Memories soon bloom
in my crestfallen gloom, when
lilies fill their space.

On delicate stalks,
these lilies perform, a ballet
on their tip toeing toes.

When the curtain falls,
I reach out for your arms, to
rid my void of woes.

Like a gentle breeze
sweeping over the fields, you
brush my sparkling pearls.

On each moonlit night
i now toss and turn, beside
your sizzling silhouette.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Although, I am not adept at using rhyme, I have attempted to use suggestions made by Wesley in his workshop notes on various forms of rhyme. As would be noticed in the edits I have done to this one, I am trying out various Titles because from the comments I have been receiving to my other posts suggest that this is an area of improvement for me
Editing stage: 

Comments

Something to do
with unrequited love
the desire to unite once again,
to fill an empty space
love falls down a flowery lane
hope you will pick up the lost strains
of petals strewn
and come again
my Valentine
will you

loved

Thank you Loved for your lovely comment. You read it well

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

there are three other
young poets
like you
who I read every day
their LOVE is still
unrequited

Valentine is on its way
should compose one
just say

the guy will have her any way
tell him to hold on her
not leave the run way
the airplane won't fly away
ask him to on the runway
stay
better still lay

Happy Valentine day
14th Feb they all say

for poets like me
tis every day

loved

I wonder why it gets a few comments. It deserves more attention from our friends here.
I loved how you used the 5-7-5 haiku structure to compose it. I like what you did with the rhymes but thought you might like to get rid of some cliched verses though these are very few ones.

I especially liked how you have set the scene with the opening stanza
On Valentine Card
I penned from my heart, rubies
and pearly corals

and
On delicate stalks,
these lilies perform, a ballet
on their tip toeing toes.

As you have asked, I think the title works well or at least can't think of any one better.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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Appreciate your taking time to read and leave an encouraging comment. Please feel free to point out which line/s you thought were cliche, so that, I can evaluate and if necessary revise those. Honestly though, there was no intent for me to use them.

If you happen to pass by here, please take a look at the edits I have done for the titles and comment on which one you find appropriate.

Thank you

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Sorry I didn't come back to you soon to point out what I see as cliched verses.
Of course I am not an expert but I thought those lines are worn out,

When the curtain falls,
On each moonlit night

May be it's only me as I am expecting much more from someone with your talents at language usage. Please ignore my thoughts if you think no better words might convey your message.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks for re visiting and your comment. I will definitely try to find alternate lines to replace the two pointed out by you...

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I've had a quick read - but haven't got time to comment. Will get back to you a.s.a.p

Thinking of you

Mand xxxxxxxx

I wanted you to know I loved your lament, its funny I have a poem I just wrote called 'Sorrows Lament', I will return tomorrow night and see if I can make any suggestions I am just reading tonight I am very tired

I really loved the imagery in this one beautiful work.

much love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thank you for a quick read. I will look forward to your more detailed critique on this one when you have some relaxed leisurely moments..

much love n hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I am hoping reading will tire my mind out I am incredibly tired and cant sleep I have already tried lol

much love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Even if reading my poem has tired your mind enough to make you sleep, my poem would have served its cause lol...so next time you can't sleep read this one. i will then change the title to Lullaby...lol...

smiles...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

You are bad I didn't mean your poem was boring, When I am really buggered I read or do something to tire my mind out, your poem was one of many that I read that night lol Its still a very good poem I liked it very much

much love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Hey Jayne! common! I had said that just in fun and no more...just for smiles...

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I wasn't sure that's why I explained myself I have taken someone the wrong way before and ended up apologizing profusely I would hate to think I had hurt someone's feelings

big hugs much love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

This simply lovely! from start to finish. There are so many great phrases "..our laughter swirled, caged within my ribs"! Ah! those memories - "delicate stalks" and the last stanza is stunning. This poem is melancholic with a twinge of nostalgia. It paints a picture of a lost love - but the love for that individual hasn't withered.

Can't think of anything to critique

Love Mand xxxxx

Thanks for the read. You read it absolutely spot on. Thanks for your comments. they are always appreciated.

Love,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I think I am going to use this poem as a referrence for the love theme. In fact most of our friends here really inspire me to continue improving my english poetry a lot. I know I am not good in it but I didn't realize I am THAT bad.:)..
.Good work and thank you very much.

Alid

You are not bad as you seem to think. I believe that you are very studious, with an open mind to pick up suggestions from our friends who are always willing to help. I am pretty sure you will sharpen your skills with every effort. So, please don't be bogged down.

Thank you for the visit and the read.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

for the words of encouragement..

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