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Ladies' Talks (Humour in Poetry WS) Ex. 3
As being sandwiched
in everyday's chores,
silly kid's issues, and the dirty floors,
I switched off my hubby, and answered the T.V,
ironed the food, and cooked the A/C.
The fridge smiled and hubby too. :))
♡♡♡♡♡♡
The original
Before being sandwiched
in every day's mundane chores,
those frivolous issues, and some more,
I come to read you,
I smile
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Sun, 2015-01-18 05:09
Hmmmmmm.nice switch Rula..
Hmmmmmm.nice switch Rula...you are doing great...we havent even got started with the collaborative write...so dont think we would be able to do that...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sun, 2015-01-18 05:23
Thank you raj
The ending is not what I wanted though. I am still thinking and I am not sure if it is funny at all. I don't want to offend and want to make it funny. I don't know if other endings work better like "I slipped" or "I chocked" work any better or make it funnier. It isn't an easy work as it seems.
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author commentraj
Sun, 2015-01-18 06:22
Rula
how 'bout this
Bewitched at being sandwiched
'tween kids and hubby chores,
our flavored tiffs and spicy wars
like yummy spread I miss
just funning :)
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Sun, 2015-01-18 06:35
now
that's a move in the right direction
Fed up with being sandwiched
'tween kids and hubby chores
I get frivolous and don high heels
And go out on the town
In my dreams
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Sun, 2015-01-18 06:45
a lil tweak
Fed up with being sandwiched
'tween kids and hubby chores
I get frivolous and don high heels
to go down town shopping alone
In my jeans
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sun, 2015-01-18 07:31
thank you raj
Appreciate the help. I think I need to try again.
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author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2015-01-18 06:19
sorry rula
I don't find this funny in that I don't even understand what is supposed to be funny
sorry
love judy :(
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sun, 2015-01-18 07:29
thank you judy
I was trying to play with the with words "sandwiched" , "flavoured" ....etc. which are related to food and so on and other matters related to life. I think I need to think in a different direction.
Appreciate your honesty dear.
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author commentscribbler
Sun, 2015-01-18 21:25
Yes
There IS a clever play on words but this could be a lot funnier with some more thought. The funny version doesn't have to be the same length as the original so if you need to expand this that would not be a problem.
judyanne
Sun, 2015-01-18 21:49
actually stan
It is supposed to be a parody of the original poem, so should be the same set up
:)
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Mon, 2015-01-19 08:34
thank you Stan
at least I have tried.
I did some edits but still kept the original length.
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author commentmand
Mon, 2015-01-19 08:59
Hi Rula
It's not easy making the change between serious and funny using the same set up! As a stand alone poem I wouldn't change this at all, but if you want to make it funny I think Judyanne and Raj are on the right road - but of course it's your poem so it's up to you. :)
Love to you
Mand xxxx
Rula
Mon, 2015-01-19 09:15
Thank you mand
Yes, it's a big challenge.
I liked what both judy and raj doing
I think being serious myself, I eluded the right way to the comic side in life. Another fact I'm discovering about myself. :(
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author commentmand
Mon, 2015-01-19 09:21
Hellooo again!
If your happy that's all that matters! :)
Sparrow
Mon, 2015-01-19 10:49
Rula
A good write from you as usual, I must see if I have another short poem to change, I have no mother in laws left now, lol
Take care young lady and enjoy your life,
Yours as always, Ian
.
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Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
wesley snow
Mon, 2015-01-19 12:27
I fear I must agree
that the new version isn't actually funny. In fact in seems to be the same poem phrased differently.
I also fear that I don't have a ready suggestion, but you seem to have sound advice from the others.
As the saying goes... "Rocket science is easy, comedy is hard."
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Rula
Mon, 2015-01-19 12:28
I fear
I have to agree with all :) sir.
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author commentraj
Mon, 2015-01-19 12:58
Rula
I too agree with Wesley. The revisions did not make it funny or humorous. At least for the sake of the WS Exercise you need to get out of your comfort zone to bring out the fun part in you. So I suggest you get rid of the shackles, eat bubble gums and all such things you would do as a kid (even imagine doing those) to get you into fun mode ...you know what i mean?..
Don't believe that by writing something funny you would be perceived as a funny woman ..like Judyanne (grins)...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Tue, 2015-01-20 00:53
Thank you raj
I understand what you mean. The problem is in the changing. I think creating a new one is a bit easier. It is as hard as trying to get rid of a bad habbit to embrace a good one. But I won't give up.
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author commentraj
Tue, 2015-01-20 10:28
Good to know Rula that you
Good to know Rula that you would be working on this till you get it right.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Tue, 2015-01-20 17:41
Rula
The edit IS funny. I got a big old smile reading the line about switching your husband off lol. (maybe because Susan does the same thing to me all the time............stan
Rula
Tue, 2015-01-20 22:25
Lol Stan
This happens only on papers. ((( smiles)))
I'm sure Suzan is innocent from such a thing too :)
But really I'm happy this gives you a smile.
This means mission accomplished I hope.
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author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2015-01-20 22:43
lol yes rula
Mission accomplished
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Wed, 2015-01-21 03:03
Thanks judy
I can't deny that you and raj have helped much to inspire this one though.
Really grateful.
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author commentmand
Wed, 2015-01-21 02:39
Ha ha :)
Well done - very funny - I'm proud of you for not giving up! :)
Love Mand xxxx
Rula
Wed, 2015-01-21 03:07
Thank you Mandy
It wasn't easy, but yeah it's nice to overcome all the obstacles sometimes with a silly thought and a smile.
Hurrah! :)
PS. Wish hubby isn't offended. He is the best part in my life.
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author commentmand
Wed, 2015-01-21 08:09
Oh dear!
I hope he's not offended - :( xxxx
Rula
Wed, 2015-01-21 09:34
take it easy dear
He hasn't even read it. :)
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author commentmand
Wed, 2015-01-21 11:07
Phew! :)
Phew! :)
raj
Wed, 2015-01-21 11:42
Rula
It's a wow change...I am sure your beloved hubby wont be offended...he would admire you even more ...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2015-01-21 11:54
Ah!
What a relief dear raj. I really needed a man's point of view. Stan was the first to step, and now you!
Now I can read it to him with no fear to be myself switched off myself. Hahaha.
Thank you!!
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author commentraj
Wed, 2015-01-21 13:23
Rula
Good to hear your laughter, which i guess was also because finally getting the humor right...
A small suggestion for the end line, if i may:-
I switched off my hubby, and answered the T.V,
ironed the food, and cooked the A/C.
The fridge smiled.and hubby too
how bout that? :)
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2015-01-21 14:17
raj
He's switched off ... remember? :)
If you think it works though, I shall add it immediately.
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author commentraj
Wed, 2015-01-21 15:14
Rula
of course I had considered that. That's why I added that little bit in the end line to mean he warmed up and switched on (he smiled). You know what i mean? :)
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2015-01-21 15:26
Done!
.
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author commentraj
Thu, 2015-01-22 13:33
Rula
Good to know you liked the suggestion and the smile you put at the end of that line exudes your happiness for a good switch of the poem by turning it into a humorous piece with clever change and byplay of words and also for making your hubby smile...
keep smiling in life...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2015-01-22 14:54
No doubt raj
I am happy that I have achieved this task successfully.
Thanks for helping and the suggestions.
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author commentRula
Thu, 2015-01-22 15:22
By the way friends
Please consider this a friendly invitation to join Sir Wesley and I in officially my first workshop at Neopoet. Your participation means the world.
Come on! It isn't that scary. Be brave guys. :)
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author commentSparrow
Wed, 2015-01-21 18:25
Rula
Here is me thinking you all can multi-task lol
Good write there young one , Yours Ian
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Rula
Thu, 2015-01-22 14:50
Ian :)
I don't know about men, but women are indeed.
Thank you for your visits.
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author commentBarbara Writes
Fri, 2015-01-23 01:17
Twisted nicely
I'm not one for humor as i'm way to serious for my own good. It's who I am, so for me it's funny to switched off the hubby. Wish I could lol. See I couldn't be funny if I tried. Lol.
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