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Lacerated

Submitted by lou on Sun, 2010-10-31 03:44

Should your eyes behold another
 my heart would break
Into infinitesimal fractions.  

Shards of emotion would scar
 my inner turmoil,  pulling
me apart  

Lacerated physicality, contorting.   
Descent into the abyss, 
the very root of my mentality.

A maelstrom of insanity.
Your love has devoured me,
left me flailing , out of control.

 

 

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Comments

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 03:59

lou's picture

Ignore the title I have tried to correct it but it won't save.

So I'll try to correct it again later.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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mand

Sun, 2010-10-31 04:10

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Imagery drew me in, packed full of loves emotion, "emotion scaring the inner turmoil".

Really really good poem

Well done Lou.

Love Mand xxxxxx

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 05:33

lou's picture

it's so nice to here from everyone again.

Thank you

Love Lou xx

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 05:37

lou's picture

Thanks mate

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 06:33

lou's picture

thanks

lou xx

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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whitescatter

Sun, 2010-10-31 09:28

i guess you mean "your eyes"..right? but great write by the way..keep it up..

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 12:03

lou's picture

I left a comment explaining the new site won't let me edit the title

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Victorclaude

Sun, 2010-10-31 09:34

Victorclaude's picture

Lou,

Well written raw and honest view of what might be if the roving eye of a lover was distracted by another. These words are balanced on a razor's edge with coherency from beginning to end, and I agree with Jayne about the word 'But' in the last line.

Powerhouse of a work~! All lovers can relate to this one.

Victor

"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."

Unknown (at least to me)

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 12:05

lou's picture

Thank you , I will remove but.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

judyanne

Sun, 2010-10-31 12:10

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the last line made me laugh

great write lou - i really felt the passion and emotion and out of control feeling (up to the last line that is .... smile)

i think 'your eyes' for the title is a little tame.... but sorry - i have no constructive suggestions....
maybe 'captivity' ..... ???

one other tiny thing...
'Decent into the abyss' - (descent?)

awesome read lou
love
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 23:02

lou's picture

I'm a little put out that you laughed at the last line,

Thank you anyway

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

judyanne

Sun, 2010-10-31 23:05

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more a cynical and appreciative laugh lou
i thought it was an excellent finish
love judy
xxxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 23:21

lou's picture

I've cut the last verse altogether, I think the poem is better now.

Love Lou xx

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

judyanne

Sun, 2010-10-31 23:22

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why did you remove the last line?
i really thought it 'made' the poem..... truly - the laugh was a good one, you know, the shoulder-shrug-yes-that's-how-things-are-type smile of acceptance.....

also - love the title change

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

lou

Sun, 2010-10-31 23:42

lou's picture

I didn't really like the last line, it didn't fit.
I think the title is better.

Thanks jude.

Love Lou x

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2010-11-09 13:14

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

powerful imagery, expertly painted.

HS

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lou

Tue, 2010-11-09 23:33

lou's picture

I'm glad that you liked it

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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