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KINDERGARTENER

Kids like me may be bullied, ridiculed
Introverted, seeking sanctuary
Never too old to be fooled and/ or schooled
Disciplinary baggage to carry
Enrolling in (scary) class: primary
Reading Hemingway, picture-book-burning
Graded on performance, functionary
Adjusting to school of higher learning
Returning to head-start more discerning
Teacher grinning at my perfect penning
Earning a recess, classes adjourning
Nervously enrolling, new beginning
Evaluation: complimentary
Registered student, elementary...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

bit flummoxed at first with all the words ending ing
But... I soon got into the spirit of things and away we went!
You will be forgiven for the one non-rhyming line because of the need to keep the form going, but maybe if you look hard enough, you can find a way to rhyme with the line before or after. I liked the theme, because I have grandchildren that are going to school for the first time this year and I know that it is a tumultuous time for them. Good job in putting most of their concerns on the table. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you for the kind comments, Geezer. Yes, as my son was entering a strange and scary new school system, I was entering the murky unknown waters of the 'dating pool' after nearly a quarter-of-a-century. So this piece serves dual purpose. And yes, the 'elementary' rhyme scheme is intentional. Adds to the manic mood I was in, (and may still be in, though with less severity)...

author comment

A huge Hunter S. Thompson fan. Do you ever write about and indulge in the ghastly activities? about the savage madness ill remembered through a haze of drugs and madness. We did our best in the '70s.

This poem captures your intent very well however the over-use of the -ing suffix, used to form both gerunds and present participles of verbs is normally used to create a flow and is always criticised. Here it doesn't even create the flow, it is disjoined, list-like rather than prosodically melodious. some of the -ings need to go.

I did a reading for you so you can hear it objectively and let me know if you hear what I hear.

The poem is sound and clever but needs work.

Here is my reading, hope it helps.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1nahM6bOZeA

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks, Jess! And, yes, I caught the tail-end of the Merry-Prankster Gonzo movement with some buddies from the Louisville area, (HST was born near Cherokee Park area of Louisville). I still do occasional, (albeit increasingly rare), performances with Ed McClanahan (Captain Kentucky in Kesey's writings), Ron Whitehead, and Dean McClain. We are just about the only ones 'still breathing'; unless you count William Sovern in Evansville and Ferlinghetti, (yes, he's still alive, but doesn't get around much these days). I'll take a listen to your reading- certainly appreciate it. I definitely need some polishing.

P.S.: Yes, I was at Woody Creek in 2005, if that helps.

Chad M. Horn, KY

author comment

Thanks, Jess! And, yes, I caught the tail-end of the Merry-Prankster Gonzo movement with some buddies from the Louisville area, (HST was born near Cherokee Park area of Louisville). I still do occasional, (albeit increasingly rare), performances with Ed McClanahan (Captain Kentucky in Kesey's writings), Ron Whitehead, and Dean McClain. We are just about the only ones 'still breathing'; unless you count William Sovern in Evansville and Ferlinghetti, (yes, he's still alive, but doesn't get around much these days). I'll take a listen to your reading- certainly appreciate it. I definitely need some polishing.

P.S.: Yes, I was at Woody Creek in 2005, if that helps.

Chad M. Horn, KY

author comment

Thanks, Jess! And, yes, I caught the tail-end of the Merry-Prankster Gonzo movement with some buddies from the Louisville area, (HST was born near Cherokee Park area of Louisville). I still do occasional, (albeit increasingly rare), performances with Ed McClanahan (Captain Kentucky in Kesey's writings), Ron Whitehead, and Dean McClain. We are just about the only ones 'still breathing'; unless you count William Sovern in Evansville and Ferlinghetti, (yes, he's still alive, but doesn't get around much these days). I'll take a listen to your reading- certainly appreciate it. I definitely need some polishing.

P.S.: Yes, I was at Woody Creek in 2005, if that helps.

Chad M. Horn, KY

author comment

i think you are a good rhymer

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

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