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KINDERGARTENER

Kids like me may be bullied, ridiculed
Introverted, seeking sanctuary
Never too old to be fooled and/ or schooled
Disciplinary baggage to carry
Enrolling in (scary) class: primary
Reading Hemingway, picture-book-burning
Graded on performance, functionary
Adjusting to school of higher learning
Returning to head-start more discerning
Teacher grinning at my perfect penning
Earning a recess, classes adjourning
Nervously enrolling, new beginning
Evaluation: complimentary
Registered student, elementary...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

bit flummoxed at first with all the words ending ing
But... I soon got into the spirit of things and away we went!
You will be forgiven for the one non-rhyming line because of the need to keep the form going, but maybe if you look hard enough, you can find a way to rhyme with the line before or after. I liked the theme, because I have grandchildren that are going to school for the first time this year and I know that it is a tumultuous time for them. Good job in putting most of their concerns on the table. ~ Geezer.
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Thank you for the kind comments, Geezer. Yes, as my son was entering a strange and scary new school system, I was entering the murky unknown waters of the 'dating pool' after nearly a quarter-of-a-century. So this piece serves dual purpose. And yes, the 'elementary' rhyme scheme is intentional. Adds to the manic mood I was in, (and may still be in, though with less severity)...

author comment

A huge Hunter S. Thompson fan. Do you ever write about and indulge in the ghastly activities? about the savage madness ill remembered through a haze of drugs and madness. We did our best in the '70s.

This poem captures your intent very well however the over-use of the -ing suffix, used to form both gerunds and present participles of verbs is normally used to create a flow and is always criticised. Here it doesn't even create the flow, it is disjoined, list-like rather than prosodically melodious. some of the -ings need to go.

I did a reading for you so you can hear it objectively and let me know if you hear what I hear.

The poem is sound and clever but needs work.

Here is my reading, hope it helps.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1nahM6bOZeA

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thanks, Jess! And, yes, I caught the tail-end of the Merry-Prankster Gonzo movement with some buddies from the Louisville area, (HST was born near Cherokee Park area of Louisville). I still do occasional, (albeit increasingly rare), performances with Ed McClanahan (Captain Kentucky in Kesey's writings), Ron Whitehead, and Dean McClain. We are just about the only ones 'still breathing'; unless you count William Sovern in Evansville and Ferlinghetti, (yes, he's still alive, but doesn't get around much these days). I'll take a listen to your reading- certainly appreciate it. I definitely need some polishing.

P.S.: Yes, I was at Woody Creek in 2005, if that helps.

Chad M. Horn, KY

author comment

Thanks, Jess! And, yes, I caught the tail-end of the Merry-Prankster Gonzo movement with some buddies from the Louisville area, (HST was born near Cherokee Park area of Louisville). I still do occasional, (albeit increasingly rare), performances with Ed McClanahan (Captain Kentucky in Kesey's writings), Ron Whitehead, and Dean McClain. We are just about the only ones 'still breathing'; unless you count William Sovern in Evansville and Ferlinghetti, (yes, he's still alive, but doesn't get around much these days). I'll take a listen to your reading- certainly appreciate it. I definitely need some polishing.

P.S.: Yes, I was at Woody Creek in 2005, if that helps.

Chad M. Horn, KY

author comment

Thanks, Jess! And, yes, I caught the tail-end of the Merry-Prankster Gonzo movement with some buddies from the Louisville area, (HST was born near Cherokee Park area of Louisville). I still do occasional, (albeit increasingly rare), performances with Ed McClanahan (Captain Kentucky in Kesey's writings), Ron Whitehead, and Dean McClain. We are just about the only ones 'still breathing'; unless you count William Sovern in Evansville and Ferlinghetti, (yes, he's still alive, but doesn't get around much these days). I'll take a listen to your reading- certainly appreciate it. I definitely need some polishing.

P.S.: Yes, I was at Woody Creek in 2005, if that helps.

Chad M. Horn, KY

author comment

i think you are a good rhymer

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

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