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The Kerchief

Submitted by eliminist on Mon, 2015-09-28 23:24

Writing this letter with borrowed inks
In umbrageous hues of lonely evenings
Don't you read it at night thinking it's a dream of norm
As dreams often disappear with the advent of dawn

Sleep has lost its path today
Put out the moon if you can
On the way grab some clouds
Sow a warm blanket if you can

You aren't there yet here somewhere
Fogging up my eyes like breath on a mirror
My mind has locked its doors from the inside
And you keep knocking as a thought from the outside

Remember the white kerchief you had sewn
The one you kept next to your pillow at night
Whenever in rains the ceiling would cry
It still serves me well that kerchief you'd sewn
Whenever you fall from the corner of my eye
It helps to stop you on my face before nigh
But nowadays the rains don't pour like before
Now the ceiling doesn't cry anymore

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Roughly translated from a hindi poem that I wrote as a tribute to my lyrical idol Gulzar saab on his birthday - for those who understand Hindi - the original poem is as follows - Khaali shaamon ki gehri syaahi se Tum ko jo yeh khat likh raha hoon Isse raat mein khwaab samajh ke na padhna Kahin subah hote hi na mit jaaye Neend aaj raasta bhool gayi hai Chaand jo dikhe bhuja dena Baadal kuch haath aayein toh Ek narm sa kambal bana dena Tum ho nahin par phir bhi ho yahin Nazar ke aaine par ek saans banke chaa gayi ho Zehen ka darwaza andar se band hai Aur tum khayaal banke dastak diye jaa rahi ho Woh safed rumaal jo tumne khud siya tha Jise sirhaane rakh ke tum soya karti thi Jab bhi baarish mein ghar ki chhat roya karti thi Woh aaj bhi mere bahut kaam aata hai Kabhi aankhon ke kono se jo tum nikal aati ho Tumhe gaalon pe rok lene ke kaam aata hai Par Chhat aaj kal bilkul nahin roti Ab waisi barsaatein hi nahin hoti Every word with a capital letter is the beginning of a new sentence - writing this since I cannot format the stanzas as they should be...
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Sparrow

Wed, 2015-09-30 04:16

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It would be good if you put the translation up, and then wrote it in you own words, it reads like a parable, but a lot of the information has been lost in the translation and as poets we need to strive to make the writers point very clear.
I also write many things from reading books and make them my own by the way I express the poem.
Have a go at writing the feelings and what you gleaned from his write, the reasoning behind his thoughts, we can but try.
Yours as always Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Sparrow

Wed, 2015-09-30 04:17

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Sampooran Singh Kalra (born 18 August 1934, known popularly by his pen name Gulzar, is an Indian poet, lyricist and film director.
Born in Jhelum District in British India, his family moved to India after partition.
He started his career as a lyricist in the 1963 film Bandini and worked with many music directors including R. D. Burman, Salil Choudhury, Vishal Bhardwaj and A. R. Rahman. He directed films such as Aandhi and Mausam and TV series during the 1970s and 1980s.
Gulzar also wrote poetry, dialogues and scripts. He was awarded Padma Bhushan, the third-highest civilian award in India,[3] the Sahitya Akademi Award and the Dadasaheb Phalke Award — the highest award in Indian cinema. He has won several Indian National Film Awards, Filmfare Awards, one Academy Award and one Grammy Award.
With thanks to "Wiki"

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

eliminist

Thu, 2015-10-01 12:48

I have put the original piece in the notes below the poem - and have tried to translate it to the my level best. The original piece was written by me in Hindi as a tribute to Gulzar and I know a lot gets lost in translation especially many of the emotions and the subtle nuances but that cannot be helped. The poem is as literal a translation as I could have done, keeping a structure and rhymes etc

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Sparrow

Fri, 2015-10-02 03:46

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Echo having fun

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-10-02 03:47

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Told Echo to go away,
Yours Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-10-02 03:45

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I do apologise I was under the impression that it was a work by Gulzar and that you had just translated it.
Being that it is totally your work you did an excellent job.
I look forward to your next pieces and your partaking in the everyday Neopoet works, such as critique and replies to others.
Great to have you with us, take care out there,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

raj

Thu, 2015-10-01 15:05

I can relate to your poem...did you mean sewn instead of sown?

raj (sublime_ocean)

eliminist

Thu, 2015-10-01 23:08

Yes Sir :)

What did u think of the hindi version

author comment

raj

Fri, 2015-10-02 14:20

There is one more "sown" at the end of line 4 in concluding stanza. Not being critical, kust bringing it to your attention

Hindi version of course is very rich as expected from Gulzar ..

raj (sublime_ocean)

eliminist

Fri, 2015-10-02 19:21

I missed that - the hindi version is one of my personal favorites and so subconsciously I did not pay much attention to perfecting the English one.

Thanks for pointing out the error and for taking the time to read and appreciate the poem Sir :)

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