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Just a Day

Under a tree on a hill,
daylight silhouette,
a leaf fell blood orange death,
fell back and forth,
the tree exhaled winters breath.

I went to church with a bottle,
to meet withe the twelve apostles,
for atonement of tomorrow's plot,
for who I was,
and for who I was not.

I went to a movie,
my date was my dog,
our tickets were a gift,
in a black envelope,
a big fat spliff.

I went to the park,
to play in frozen fountains,
I stripped off my clothes,
revealing my bludgeoned heart,
burdened by hurts, nobody knows.

I went to a gallery,
to get lost in the abstract,
of original thought,
wasted replicated rumination,
was not what I sought.

Sitting in my kitchen
after scrubbing
the vinyl flooring
enjoying the smell
of the cleaners chlorine.

Textured surface
random colours
of faceless images
no features
just aimless scrimmages.

I walk now these days,
not part of the rush,
to have coffee on the walk,
to watch life,
rarely I talk.

Not wanting to waste words,
or ruin another canvas,
I look for the raven,
he makes sense,
if my soul is worth saving.

Suddenly I realized,
am I looking for God?
Or is God looking for me?
Avoiding my part,
who He wants me to be.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

A very good write, that seems to show a depth of loneliness.
Probably time to stop and really look at what is around you in reality.
There in the field of vision is a reality that needs attending to, some where even a falling leaf must settle and become aware, and you cannot blame a God in any way.
Now look inward and realise that you are as all people a Spirit seeking a resting place where you can spread out and be at peace..
Whoops! its not even Sunday..
Take care out there,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

with the Sparrow, that you have shown a very lonely side of life and it is done well. I like the pattern of the rhyme and everything seems to flow great. The theme is well thought out and not until the end do I see where it is leading. Very nicely done! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I like the first 7 stanzas which describe the day, with some cute plays of words and events. you then switch to "these" days and go into an abstraction of god and soul which does not flow from the events of the day. How all the events of the day will be redeemed, will have purpose of meaning, or if any meaning is actually needed, is where I would prefer the poem to go.

The last three stanzas, you might consider, are themselves a different poem. Other than the fact that I know you are a painter, I would edit the illusion to canvas which might confuse a different reader... This is a good poem:

I walk now these days,
not part of the rush,
to have coffee on the walk,
to watch life,
rarely I talk.

Not wanting to waste words,
or ruin another canvas,
I look for the raven,
he makes sense,
if my soul is worth saving.

Suddenly I realized,
am I looking for God?
Or is God looking for me?
Avoiding my part,
who He wants me to be.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I thank you all for your comments. They have been healing.

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