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"A Journey" " memorable workshop " (Second piece)

Submitted by Ian.T on Wed, 2012-08-29 16:13

A Journey

Steam shrank, pistons moved
Iron horse bucked and fled
Yet held by the sheer weight
Track bent curved and sped away

Clikety clack, was heard
Parallel lines gobbled up
Red eyes scattered on stone.
Underway, with a gentle sway.

I am smiling sat in comfort
Lulled by the sounds
Thoughts of destination
Love to be mingled with

"It's Cold"

I tried to hold it
Cold as winter snow
Slipped through my hands
Dropped on the floor

Mother said what have you there?
I said nothing Mum, with a silly stare.
Pick it up take it outside,
where it belongs
But mother it is beautiful
It won’t last that long

I don’t care it is making a mess
I struggled to pick it up
You all know the rest
It slipped through my fingers
Broke in two hitting the floor

Mother come see
It is twice as beautiful now.
Look colours of the rainbow I see.
The sunlight had touched it,
As it fell, quietly from me.

I told you to take it out
Don’t you see?
It is getting away from me
Each part is fading away
Yet as beautiful as before

I bowed to Mothers wisdom
Picked both off the floor
Then as careful as I could
I took them outside
Before they were no more

In full sunlight
I lay them both down
It seemed like fairies flying around
Crystals so cold to me
The icicle had now broken,
Softly into three.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Well?? I have now written another piece that doesn't rhyme but runs well, so that I wont be late to see my love!!!!!!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-30 05:04

weirdelf's picture
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despite your protests. I blame me for making you do workshops {grins wryly]

This was readable, enjoyable, poignant and even had a certain meaning regarding the temporality of beauty and the inability to control it.

But mindful and memorable? This is Shark Pool. It is a really good poem, but it's not one that I would think back on years hence. The themes have been covered before, slightly better. We can't compare ourselves to Shakespeare, but we can make the bloody, bleeding, agonising attempt to try.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-08-30 10:57

Ian.T's picture
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If I could only write something that you would remember for years to come.. That would be an output that poets try to achieve, and as Chrys has said it is not up to the parameters of the task, I have said that I will try and write another for this workshop, just need a few minutes and a sharp pen, I will try to write something that you will remember for a day or so lol.
Thanks for your comment it is so welcome to have you use your ways on this piece..
Will talk later, take care of you, Yours as always, Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-30 11:03

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but I will remember it for several reasons. Your spiritual reality, your honesty, and your truth,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

China Blue

Thu, 2012-08-30 10:14

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I may be mistaking although your poem is beautiful I thought free verse did not rhyme
and the subject matter was to be more serious example being perhaps world affairs , science etc
As I said I might be wrong

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-08-30 10:49

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Now that Jess and you have said this may not be OK for the workshop I will write another later, just let me think on what to write about..
I shall make the science more positive, spectrum's and prisms melting points, and changing states I shall think on LOL ???
I am not sure about the ref to free verse as it is a lazy type of poetry I shall write the next in prose that can be anything, take care out there,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2012-09-02 23:33

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Just not a consistent rhyming scheme.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-08-30 11:52

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as you can see in your PM I was side tracked,
OK I will leave the piece as it is and see what the others say,
but if there are others that think that it is not up to the mark I will then think about it..
Sometimes it is hard to write then that is rare, but I think that I need to pre think things before writing.
But as you can see it is the one that pushes the buttons that has control lol
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-30 22:24

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I don't do this to make other's responses silly or inappropriate but to try to reduce harm.

No, don't shut up.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-08-31 02:53

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I shall then endeavour to write better,

Questions:-
1. Can there be rhyme in free verse poetry ??

2. The parameters for this part of the workshop can they be defined??
I thought that my piece had a few scientific bits in but it was not good.

3.What do you call poetry that lacks in form and rhymes a bit???

I ask this for all of us, as I most times put rhyme in without proper form,

I find making syllable counts and most form uneasy to my writing.

Shall I call my works Prose..??

I most time auto write, as in the Aussie friends piece, where it is just written then edited a little when I read it back..
Need answers, Yours ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-31 03:51

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1 yes you can rhyme, but judiciously, not a consistent rhyme theme
2 the poem should have a strong emotional, spiritual, intellectual, ideological or sociological impact. Other things are valid, as long as it is strong and memorable (not memorisable)
3 free verse
4 no, your works are not prose
5 I know you have difficulty with meter, if it happens, let it happen, but don't bust a boiler over it

Hope this helps

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-08-31 06:57

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Thank you for your answers I think it may help some but it will help me,
as old as I is. lol
Have a great morning out there
go listen to that Gum tree,
it could be a symphony
Thoughts singing quietly
As we dare not shout.
Yours as always,
Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

China Blue

Fri, 2012-08-31 12:44

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oh boy do I ever remember the old steam engines , I used to love to ride them to my grandma's house they had character as did the old cars. I love this piece it brought back many fond memories

I loved your first piece as well do not mistake my saying it did not follow guidelines ( it didn't) but I truly enjoyed it

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

judyanne

Mon, 2012-09-03 09:04

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could be memorable - especially the first one

- but then i have to say that i can't relate much to ice, being an aussie and all lol

here's my take - i hope i haven't been presumptious

love judy
xxx

steam shrinks, pistons move
held by sheer weight
track bends, curves
iron horse bucks and flees

clickey clack,
parallel lines gobble up
red eyes scattered on stone

underway, gentle sway
lulled by the sounds
love mingled with
thoughts of destination

I am smiling, sat in comfort

~~~~~

it is beautiful
It won’t last long

I try to hold it
cold as winter snow
slips through my hands
drops on the floor

Mother says
pick it up take it outside
where it belongs
it is making a mess

but it slips through my fingers

Look
colours of the rainbow
as sunlight touches
while it quietly falls

to the floor
breaks

each part slowly fading
yet as beautiful as before

Then as careful as I can
I take them outside
before they are no more

in full sunlight
I lay them both down
reflected light as fairies flying around

crystals so cold to me
the icicle now breaks, softly
into three.
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-09-03 08:27

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I wont change them now, as I hope others read all comments as I do, and that is on all poems.
Your thoughts will be noted by others, and the answers to my questions will be seen thank you very much for your work,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-09-03 08:33

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so sometimes the responses may seem inappropriate.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-09-03 08:43

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I should have made it clear that it is a learning curve for all.
I learn a lot from the comments, and many words I had forgotten.
I do though take some of them with a pinch of salt(Cliché ?) but some are meaningful in these cases.
Thanks for your attention to our ways, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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