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The Jewel

He pondered the suffering in his life,
Imagined colored piano keys.
Did he become wound, or was he the knife
That cut off dry branches from old dead trees?

He could still hear words from an old school house
Where inside there were books and learning things;
He could picture his granny's old worn out blouse
While he dreamed of poets and queens and kings,

And the tree outside that suddenly grew
In a place where a child could be called witch.
Hearts never forget what they've been through,
He knew hands of poets can dig a ditch,

And that a lone missile gone astray
Can create a mad bad sad universe
With half of a self all shattered away
Where the monkey's paw is a gypsy curse.

Still, most tearful eyes will dry in the light,
Refusing to cruise through a crystal ball;
The muse of the hopeless calls at midnight
And beckons those standing who fear a fall.

He tripped in the weeds, he stumbled on brambles,
The path leading to refuge: a book store.
Distanced from shame and far off from shambles
Where whore is the virgin and virgin, whore.

Still journeying lost, the cost penitence,
Piano keys played in hands of the young,
Blasted by blood of all innocence,
Babes rotted on tops of a beetle's dung.

Then beetles changed from those just rolling dung
To scarabs when Osiris raised his head;
On the sarcophagus, the spring was sprung
In solitude, contemplation of dead.

That old crystal ball isn't clouded now,
Nightmares swirl and twirl and exit his head:
He knows the why, he recognizes how,
He will follow the path where he is led.

Movie stars, fancy cars, he cares not for,
Acknowledgement for skill worth his trouble,
If need be, Oriki, he will implore:
The poetry god has met his double.

From humble hunks of coal, diamonds come,
There is pulling and pressing down under.
No one can say where true talent comes from
But black gold rocks in hills under thunder.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like your poem very much , and I think I know who the subject is but that is not of ultimate importance. Many poets use a letter in their epigraph dedication, such as "to D" or "to SJ" I would consider that.
There are many very powerful images, good rhymes internal and in end line scheme, and the meter stays consistent with good breaks.

There are several distractions to me as I read the poem. A distraction is like a sour or off note, it does not define the work but lingers in the mind into the flow of the read.
Reversing the line to fit the rhyme such as "Movie stars, fancy cars, he cares not for," introduces an archaic sense that feels forced. "mad bad sad universe" is overdone. "In a place where a child could be called witch" I think needs something and seems to be forced to "ditch". Perhaps "a witch" or put the word witch in italics, or quotes to distinguish it as a noun. "spring was sprung" is a bit overdone for me, does not sound original, and easy to fix while holding the rhyme.

I hope this is helpful. I feel in our workshop one should praise where praise is do, but certainly offer specific comments on things that don't feel right. Otherwise this would be just another poetry site where the readers leave emoji's of thumbs up, or hearts, (or bunnies or whatever!)

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

thanks very much for your comments. i do not know how to edit this. i fully intended to say that this poem is inspired by, dedicated to and about the incomparable drey hommies. i waited on this for two reasons: he was unavailable and i wanted his permission to say it was about him, and i wanted to know if it would be relevant to anyone who did not know him. i will change that line to "witch". i did not want to use "a witch" even though i think also it sounds better, but i did not want the extra syllable. i kind of like mad sad bad but will think about it. the line with the movie stars, fancy cars he cared not for - i knew this was not great although it is true, but i wanted to rhyme with implore. i will try to come up with a better line. i also know that a sarcophagus has no spring, not sure what to do with that one. i truly appreciate criticism. i am in many poetry groups, probably too many, at the request of my young friends who start them, i would rather get knowledgeable criticism, even if negative, than a hundred likes or any clicks etc. without any comments. i am trying to learn and improve my writing. a like or love or wow does not help me in that regard,although it is nice to get those. if it stinks, i want to hear it - i can take it. i reread some of my stuff and i already know it stinks! thanks so much for your help

author comment

thanks. drey has seen it. he likes it. not all of my stuff is so personal. i wanted to know if it would mean anything to anyone who did not know the subject. just to know. i wrote it for drey and if he was the only one who liked it that would be enough. i thought just maybe it would be okay even though so specific in so much of it. for instance the two colored piano keys - hoped this could just symbolize black and white but was no sure. thanks again for the input

author comment
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