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Island Of Souls

Submitted by greeneyes on Mon, 2010-11-29 03:29

I yearn for this island,
That is so far away,
Drenched in darkness,
Where foul things play.

A haven for souls,
That have come undone,
Where those of black hearts,
Come to gather as one.

There is a great garden,
Filled with shadows and doom,
And buds of black velvet,
You can relax in the gloom.

It's right place to be,
If you shun the light,
They frolic in evil,
Embracing the night.

Oh, what a place,
The land that I dream ,
Where nothing is certain,
Things aren't what they seem.

Everlasting torment,
Screams in the wind,
Smell of fear in the air,
Nightmares don't end.

Oh, yes, one day I'll be there,
It is the island for me,
Where I will finally be home,
Where soul will be free.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-11-29 11:28

Hooded Stranger's picture

Greeneyes,

this one was right up my street. Great tempo, flow and rhyme.

One suggestion, I would tighen up the last stanza:

It is a place for those,
Who've turned from the light,
And forsaken the dawn,
And embrace the night.

...just an idea.

Really enjoyed it,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

eekwrite

Mon, 2010-11-29 12:54

l also think the last stanza could be tighten, as a good rule take the broken lines, and write it out like a sentence. If it does not sound correct, than change it. Example: too many "ands", adj. does not enhance or add to description, etc. Then split it.
Here is a link you might like http://www.rhymezone.com

Last line could also read:
Embracing fully the night.

I enjoyed this. I have several dark reads myself.

El

Ellenelizabeth Cernek-Kashk
http://ellenelizabethcernekkashk.blogspot.com
http://ellenelizabeth-capturedmoments.blogspot.com
http://eekwrite.wordpress.com

Ellenelizabeth Cernek-Kashk
http://ellenelizabethcernekkashk.blogspot.com

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-11-29 13:00

Hooded Stranger's picture

El,

you are right "Embracing fully the night" works and actually makes the line flow easier than my example.

cheers,

HS

ps. sneeking off to read those dark writes of yours.
pss. just been there and love 'Fire That Echoes'...going back for more.

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

greeneyes

Mon, 2010-11-29 21:19

greeneyes's picture

Thanks everyone! I will work on this poem to make it flow better. Oh, and Ian, I loved your book. I read it to my daughter and she loved it too.Nice to hear from too eekwrite. Dan, its always an honor to here from you.

Much Love,
Elizabeth

author comment

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-29 21:58

Race_9togo's picture
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I really enjoy this one, with it's comforting darkness, an opinion so seldom held now in modern cultures anymore, with our constant availability of light.

One small thing, imo: the last line perhaps might start with "where", as well? It would make a good aliteration with the line above, it would improve the cadence (?) and might stick in the reader's mind long after.

Thanks for posting this one.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

greeneyes

Wed, 2010-12-01 00:05

greeneyes's picture

Good idea! Thanks Jim.

Much Love,
Elizabeth

author comment

raj

Wed, 2010-12-01 06:28

good to read your write again...dark as it may sound it has the frills to make it lively...

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

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