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Insomnia

السهاد

آه ياليل مااطولك
سئمت منادمتك , فما اطمعك؟
حتى النجوم في مشكاتها
باتت بعيدا عن مضجعك

Ah how long
is my night
and draggy.
I wonder
if anyone
really joys its
company.
Even the stars
in their niche
roosted away
from its bed.
----------------------------
Ah! How long you tarry my night
though of little fun and delight.
and it adds to my pains and stress
that no stars slept close to your recess

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Giving the translation a second thought and with a help of a friend, I rewrite it considering a bit the rhyme and rhythm? I wonder if you feel the difference?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Thanks for dropping by and for the comment. For the most part of it I created the mood. I've been working on this -the translation- for more than two days and not very happy of it really.I thought the Arabic version -though my first attempt -reads much powerful.

Translation is an art when you want to keep the literal meaning of the words

PS..I am looking forward to knowing what does your friend think of the Arabic version.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

It is hard to do a direct translation, this is where the ability to transpose the literal translation into another language that will retain its complete meaning:-
.
How long
is my night?
it drags on,
so long.
I wonder
if anyone
really enjoys its
company.
Even the stars
in their niche
are roosted away.
.
There is not much to alter, it will then be down to the interpretation of the thought, and this obviously differs from person to person.
I look forward to seeing what others do,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

you are absolutely right. I've been playing with the words for days as I said before to Beau. A literal translation would bring over a very weird English version if it is not already.

PS.. I wanted draggy as to mean dull, not sure if it conveys that meaning.
Anyway, let me try to get some sleep and please give your sparrow my best regards
Thanks for your kind comment.
Wish to hear from everyone for any improvement too.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I now see the problems you have been having with our sometime silly words, I had a word with Sparrow and he just laughed and said,
"You are pulling my leg with Draggy, as that is a derivative of Drag and that means to move or pull something"
I said to him "Come on clever clogs what would you say as our Rula needs a word for dull."
He laughed again and said " How about Drab then???
"But there is no word Drabby so it means another change lol???
I started to give in and all I could come up with is this piece under..
.
How long
is my night?
its drabness
drags on.
.
Hope we have sorted out the small problem now, but I bet there are many other words we can use.
Take care where you are,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for your second comment. I really really appreciate it as this is a unique first attempt. It is completely different from anything I did before.

Ah! this draggy. I agree it doesn't sound nice maybe -though not for my ear. As I said I was looking for a fresh word for dull/boring to give the same meaning of the Arabic version . As usual I checked the Merriam Webster and here what I got. Please tell me what to do. It is there listed yet no one seems to like this word LOL

Here is the link  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/draggy

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

 If any one is interested to know how it reads in Arabic. Here it is

السهاد                                                                   [Al SUHAD]

آه ياليل مااطولك                                                          [Ah Ya lail Ma Atwalak]
 سئمت منادمتك , فما اطمعك؟                                      [Sa'emt Munadamatak , Fama Atma'ak]
 حتى النجوم في مشكاتها                                                [Hata Al Nojoum Fi Meshkateha]
 باتت بعيدا عن مضجعك                                                [Batat Baeedan An Madjaak]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Yes Draggy is another word for listless and sort of wasting time like a child that drags its heels when asked to do something they don't want to do lol.
I am sorry I had forgotten that use of the word and it's been there since Shakespeare, I am oldish, but not that old lol.
I think I have a webster dictionary here some place but I used the Oxford and they revise it every so often and drop words that aren't in current use..
Anyway have a lovely day where you are, and I hope the problems are resolved,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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