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In/human Traits on Math's Curves

The children waver. Joys away are sent.
The women widowed, men are killed in wars.
The smell of blood becomes the ordered scent,
and fear, unlike my dreams, so high now soars.

In East or West, in North or South, alike,
In neither Muslim world, nor Christian, counts
Inhuman traits have rapid growth to strike,
allotting strength so evil power mounts .

It's never been the dark of night I fear,
nor winter's cold would ever freeze my heart,
The world becomes a pompous space that screams.
Let's rape the world, becomes established art.

It's that what mostly fears and shakes my nerves,
when human traits descend on figs and curves.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

A strong place to look into.
Circles Squares lines and arc's all these things are held at bay by the inhumanity of man to man.
Maybe the children I talk to are right, that this earth thing is just a place to learn, and the real existence is when we leave this place and journey on.
Where my children friends are, they never ask of you who is your God or how do you feel or what are your views.
They know that it (Their World) is for ever, and their help is sent out to those that ask.
This place we call Earth the holder of our physical beings, where we can feel all things like Hunger, Pain, all the seven deadly sins and much more besides, that we can only experience in a physical form.
Maybe it is a game that the God or Gods play but I think not, this is a place where we learn of all emotions that having a physical body can give.
As all religions try to do, is to make man here as near to Spirit Perfect that is possible..
I can't see anyone really succeeding in this task, an Angel on Earth what would happen to them???
They would be tortured in many ways, until they died, so all we can do is live in this world to the best of our own Spiritual acceptance, and know that in a later time as we come to balance our way here Good and Bad, that our way here was more Good than Bad.
There is nothing more we can do, I loved your write, maybe you were to easy with the world,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- the last line would it be better if:-
when human traits descend on figs and curves.
when human traits descend into figures and curves????
Did you mean Statistics????

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks a lot for your add. I can't agree more with what you said. Thanks Allah , this is all temporory and what we do now shall be for our good in that eternal life . I hope we can do what shall be recorded for us there.

As for figs I know what you mean but I've checked my dictionary before I got it there. Now why did i use it not Figures is because it goes better with the iambic meter in my sonnet.Again I do really appreciate your kind comment.
Please take care. 

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

It's never been the .........dark of night I fear,
nor winter's cold
would ever freeze my heart,
The world becomes a pompous space that screams.
Let's rape the world,

becomes the established art.

exquisitely chosen marvelous words gods pray!

loved

very much happy you've found this a bit worthy to read and give it a comment.
Thanks that was my favorite stanza too. :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

 

although still seems to be missing a volta…

and a few little things that (imo of course) need just a little work…

‘The children waver. Joys have been 'way sent.’  - you use shortening of words a little too freely rula imo of course – I would suggest here something like

The children waver. Joys away are sent

‘The smell of blood becomes the odored scent,’ (odored – not a word I know, and if you meant as in ‘odour’, I still don’t think it is a word)… also, it is saying the same thing ‘odour’ and ‘scent’ – the same thing. I would maybe use ‘ordered’ here, ‘becomes the ordered scent’ seems to fit what you are saying

‘and fears, unlike my dreams, so high now soar.’ - to make a better rhyme with the ‘s’ of ‘wars’ in verse 2, I would suggest

 and (fear), unlike my dreams, so high now soar(s).

‘In Muslim world and Christian-'t never counts,’ (again another shortening that I find forced – perhaps

In neither Muslim world, nor Christian, counts

all ott|  ing ill | pow - ers | up - ward | to  mount - - scansion out

 – think around

ill-powers dum ta upward dum to mount … (and maybe think of a way to use ‘mounts’ to strickly go with ‘counts’)

I’m being picky I know, but sonnets are strict…

 ‘Let's rape the world, becomes the 'stablished art.’ - again a shortening that jars. you could say

 Let's rape the world, becomes established art.

 

I love the theme and the write itself rula, but as I say, unless I’m missing something, you still need to work on your voltas…

 

love judy

xxx

 

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

you always come up with great suggestions! They really make a difference. Hope it reads better now.
I promise not to make any shortenings from now on. And I confess the volta is not strong enough. I couldn't come up with anything better.Writing sonnets till now is more to practice good meter but I think over it.
Thanks again Judy for being so helpful

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

beautiful rula
almost perfect iambic

two lines
‘Joys are a -way sent’
needs to ne
‘Joys a-way are sent’

and
‘In Mus | lim world | and Chris| tian-'t | nev -er | counts’
 -
five and a half feet... - sorry –the shortening of ’it’ still doesn’t drop the syllable count rula… and it isn’t iambic anyway
I suggest again
'‘In neither Muslim world, nor Christian, counts'’

love judy
xxx

 

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Sorry dear juddy as I didn't notice that line . Thanks a lot.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

doubled up

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

beautifully cleaned up rula

but in

‘A -way joys are sent’
and
be -comes the a -dored scent’
 - 
the iambic is still out

I suggested       
 joys a -way are sent
be -comes the or -dered scent

love judy xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Which you better sacrifice inversions or meter ?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

either the reverse syntax, or find another way to say it
the sonnet demands meter
it is a very strict form

personally i, who normally don't like reverse syntax, don't mind it in the particular text/ context of this poem
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I highly value your useful suggestions. Thanks a lot.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment
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