Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.


In my mind I walked the shore
It changed as did my mood
Cold sands seemed compacted
A surface that would hold an elephant

Tiny grains to shift as I
Pebbles as thrown by the sea
Jagged rocks with harsh surfaces
Just a beach that found the world as I did

There the sea came rushing to me
A raging storm smashing all it touched
To swirling eddies we feared so much
Then shifting tides ebbing and flowing.

Moving the shore that I knew
Breaking waves bringing me to you
Then the lap, lap that sent me to rest
A quiet warmth I always liked best

To leave these things below
Where I walk a new pathway
To the ancient woods I know
Strewn with rotting stumps

Food clothed in mosses green
Sweeping mantles seldom seen
Green touches in my aching heart
Bows that cling, keeping us apart

These are many places I go,
Yet I can see the desert sands
Burning and blowing through your land
As gentle slopes formed of colours gay

Drifting sands that clings to my way
Cold nights no days the same
A changing world wind blown
These to me are clearly shown

Yet I sit here in this noisy chair
Five swivel wheels my weight to bear
Tapping keys with letters to share
Where to go with you today

Your house or mine is just fine
Fantasy or fact runs through this mind
Please don’t go and leave me behind
I will always need you to walk with me

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Just being lazy again.. an old one revised
Editing stage: 


What's lazy about this one? I love the "as" and "as I" parts of the poem. They really challenge the way we read, making us read slowly, and challenge the way many people would think of a simile, expanding on what it could be. The rhyme isn't consistent, but I think that fits, just like the changing shore at the beginning of the poem. Your words gave it purpose instead of just being a whim/laziness.

I also like the way the reader is made a part of the poem with the use of "you". The word order and rhyme of the line "Five swivel wheels a weight to bear" also seem like a perfect little homage to Yeats' "The Lake Isle of Innisfree" (Nine bean-rows will I have there"). "Food clothed in mosses green" is also unusual and beautiful at the same time, my favorite combination.

Maybe what you think is laziness is poetry coming with the ease of your skill and talent! That's what I think.

If I could suggest anything, it would be to take another look at "Hard surface that would hold an elephant". Something about it doesn't sound quite right to me. Maybe it doesn't feel right because in the previous lines the shore was changing, so I have a hard time imagining it being compacted at the same time, logically, but the sound of the line is also harsh in a way that doesn't match the rest of the poem. Maybe it could be clarified (if this is how you feel) that the tide/waves change? That would fix the logic for me. Then as for the elephant line, maybe shortening it would do the trick. What do you think of:

Cold sands compacted
hard surface that would hold an elephant --> enough to hold an elephant

Hope this helps,


Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines:

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

Thank you very much for your comments here and they have been attended to.
The reason about being lazy was that this is a write I streamed a couple of years ago.
I have only the cell phone one in mind at the moment but it is going to be a silly skit on the woes of the cells.
Will see if I can stream it today.
Thanks again,
Yours as always, Ian ..xx

Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

I have done the same (post old poems), because I had left. Several of my poems that are posted now were posted before under whatever other username I had.


Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines:

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.