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If You Don't Love Me

If you don't love me
Someone else will love me
If you don't need me
Someone else will need me
If you don't care about me
Someone else will care for me.

When I awake each morning
You're my first thought
I accepted you with all my heart
Because with one glance of your eye
In a garden of love
You steal my heart from a mountain high.

But as days go by,
You run away from that which you have taken
As I mourn it in fears
Day and night with all my tears.
In minute past near to you
I sunned with smile.
And today , I fumed for awhile
As I thought that our love
Will bore an apple bright
But sure no matter what,
All is right
Because , if you don't love
Someone else will love me.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
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Last few words: 
I want to be the best I can be, learn more on how to write good poems and will wholeheartedly accept criticism that will help me know and do more. Thanks
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Not Explicit Content

Comments

There are those that will like your lack of command
in English and those that will try to help you become
more proficient. I will attempt to help you become better
at English and keep the charm of your origin.

At first, I thought to tell you to delete the:

will love me, will need me, for me, but realized that
would diminish the effect of it.

When my morning first wakes, is not the way that I would express this idea.
I would say "When I awake each morning, you are my first thought."

I understand that you may have been the one who made the first move,
but I don't think that it has any bearing here. I would simply say
that "I accepted you with all my heart."

I'm not sure of what you mean by: "in a garden of sweet remains"
Did you meet in a cemetery, at a funeral?

"You steal my heart from a mountain high"
Is there some signifigant meaning here? Are you or she royalty?

1] But as days [go] by.
2] what does [glist] mean?
3] In a minute passed near to you. [ I think that this is an attempt to combine two thoughts]
[that you had passed near to her and you smiled at her.

You express the thought; that you had hopes that your attraction would bear fruit
and you would have a romantic relationship, but when she ignored you, you fumed
and thought that "It's okay, I will find someone who is not fickle or false and
will love me for who I am.

So, I think you will have to keep trying to make this poem better
by taking some of the things I said and rearranging your words to give this
a bit more smoother feel. Answer some of these questions the best you can
and we shall try again. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Thanks for the observations and corrections, I really appreciate. I will work on it as you said, thanks ones more.

author comment

welcome. I hope that I wasn't too hard on you and that you enjoy this. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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