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If Only

If only earth was free
From being possessed by us,
Yes, all these humans.

If only this were true
Terra wouldn't suffer us
And our illusions.

If only sanity
Was more than a mere by word
To buy us all out.

If only honesty
Was the only thing still pure,
We're dillusioned with owning.

If only words were real
But they're also made up
Of symbolic lies.

If only symbols
Could make masters of our will,
Ourselves alone owned.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
This is a string of haiku. It was a bit tough to write my thoughts with this limited format but hopefully it came through in the end.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

a big fan of modern Haiku; it has a certain looseness that doesn't appeal to me. Your Haiku here is a six - seven - five pattern and there is even a line of eight. It is not traditional in the subject matter either. Generally speaking, Haiku is about nature, rather than ideals. Nice sentiments though. ~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

Not looking for a fan of how I write and I usually stick to traditional but not always. I don't think form is critiquable (sp) is it? Hmm k. I know I need to proofread better to make the syllable count correct but wasn't in the mood to do it at the time I posted. In fact i thought I had edited this but I digress. Can always check again. There is no critique that will cause me to change form to strict at all, unless a particular contest requires this. Thanks for the comments.

"The most technologically efficient machine that man has ever invented is the book." ~Northrup Frye

 

author comment

not care for the constant repetition of if only

Let your mercy spill on all those
burning hearts in hell( L.Cohen)

Okay, fair enough. I know a lot of pop songs that have that repetitive element so I just went with that idea. I didn't really ask for neg comments, just critique, and moderate and I feel negatives have no place in a critique that is constructive which is what I was after here. *sigh* Not sure "dislike" of a poem constitutes a critique! Thanks for commenting.

"The most technologically efficient machine that man has ever invented is the book." ~Northrup Frye

 

author comment

Hi, I like haiku, but the traditional European ones have 5-7-5 format.
Still, your series of haikus is very pretty. I must bring some of my own here.
I'm not sure that I understand all your lines, but I get the gist of them all and agree with you.
Best, Gracy

*
*
*
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

My boo boo on the syllable mistakes. Sorry for that, now that I can correct. (I hope) It's hard to convey a message with such a short form, I found. I'll have to try another form for social commentary I suppose! Thanks for commenting, Gracy.

"The most technologically efficient machine that man has ever invented is the book." ~Northrup Frye

 

author comment
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