Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

I like you

"I like you"
lush lips reflecting red candle
relaxed, smiled, scanned her in slight squint
as japanese, bookish look, shy, surprised by
her spectral approach, a lilac eddy of displaced air
barely there shining in bar darkness
thin fingers touching my hand
felt in four places, a nod says
come with me, knees touch pleased
disconcerting smile lioness press on palm
let this play her way back pressed kiss in the doorway
pulling button pops rapid breaths rapid stomach taut
control rivers mouths press quivers
thunder dew staccato
one from two
"I like you"
askew
on ground
"I like you too"
pressure in hand
quick kiss and gone
suddenly stand
card in hand
Kazumi Iwasi
call me
my grin
body says ok
mind says
"we'll see"
smilingly

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
We did
Editing stage: 

Comments

Otherwise that build up will be lost. Each word lends so much to the whole.

This was an experiment and a spontaneous writing. The experiment was to depict an erotic encounter using no direct description of clinical biological terms or being explicit in the writing. My hope was the rhythm itself would be the primary indicator of the action and the words would be suggestive in a slight way to engage the imagination of the reader. I feel it did so and was very happy with the result. I agree that it starts as a slow read but feel that later in the work the rhythms take on a faster more urgent tone. Thanks so much for your read and comment.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

There's nothing like that unexpected rush of need
on a first encounter ... liked this poem very much,
can relate, makes me want to write one on the subject,
appreciate the read and the inspiration.

Richard

accidental duplicate

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I'm very happy that this experiment worked. I felt after I first read it that it had succeeded in the goal of depicting that need and urgency without the use of one clinical or direct term. I'm glad you enjoyed it and found it inspiring. It's a real give and take with experiments; I can never be sure it's going to work as I wish. It's gratifying to know that it was a successful write. I'm really glad you found it inspiring.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Need I say more?

Perhaps a word or two. Lovely use of language. Subtle prosodic values. An entrancing and enticing poem. Would have gone well in your last workshop.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Ha ha! It had the intended side effect! I greatly appreciate the precise comments you've given. It indicates to me that on this piece, I was successful in my experimental ambitions. That makes me feel good as a writer.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

This was a lovely piece, and the theme was great.
I have a little niggle with the first person to the third person, "I like You" in the first line to " scanned her in slight squint"
I know it sounds picky but is it just me, otherwise a lovely piece as I have said.
I see after a few reads that it was the girl that said "I Like You" first.
So maybe I am not reading this well, I shall put it down to old age lol
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for the read and comment. I understand your issue with the first to third person. In prose, I would have likely clarified the line in question with "I like you" she purred or something of that nature. It was meant to feel immediate but as a recollection of the event rather than a first person real-time write. As a free form poem, I think adding the "she said" would have had the effect of distancing the reader from the action and justify the current use as poetic license. It certainly is a valid question and I'm glad you asked. Thank you for the kind words also.

yours,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Thanks for your reply, I realised as I said after looking hard at the write, that it was the lady that spoke first.
I agree that there is no point in saying "She Said" the purred bit gives it a person to look at and think of "Great", loved the write pity I missed some of these episodes in life LOL, Yours Ian.T.
My St Patrick's day poem is very near to this ???

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.