Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

i wanted so much to tell you

Submitted by sewie smalls on Tue, 2017-07-18 05:28

as i swam into deeper feet of reclusiveness
all you noticed was my passive belligerence
you didn't take a minute to ponder on how the happy child turned out
you were possessed with the monkey--thoughts sprinting--
never on the little girl has it should have been
i've wanted so much to tell you
tell you your child was robbed
robbed of the ability to make choices
left alone in the dark to count losses.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

riotface97

Fri, 2017-07-21 06:49

riotface97's picture
Volunteer badge

I got a real sense of gravity when reading this... Well done, beautiful writing. Are you set on this length, however? It felt as though it was cut short and I was left wanting more. Maybe extending the middle section of the stanza? I wanted to know this persona more. Not saying the ending needed alteration, mind you, it was one of my favourite lines of the entire poem, although you've missed an s in "losses," which I would edit to avoid detracting from the strength of that line. Thanks for the read, and I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

Nicholas.

sewie smalls

Mon, 2017-07-24 06:02

sewie smalls's picture

i really appreciate your comment and i have corrected the error like you suggested
writing this poem took me back to places i didnt want to go...so i'm having troubles writing anything with depth for now...

thanks once again

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.