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I Walked the Palisade with Her Lost Smile

I can breathe and see the stars as they hum
the vibrations of freedom just inches
from my soul though forever from my touch
as the cool air of the evening loiters
through the soft pages of my memories
and the sounds of the night doppler into
a sharpening focus; until I think,
"This is going to be painful; briefly."

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Structure wise this is pentameter blank verse without iamb or other influence and is most definitely not a Sonnet. Not because of the subject matter but because I prefer sonnets to adhere to actual Sonnet structure. Subject wise, this is another thought experiment. The title, as is my desire, hopefully has one meaning when you read it first and another meaning when you finish the poem but there is not a direct story here, the beginning is not defined and I felt that was a better choice. I hope the loneliness is conveyed but the motivation is obscured.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I can only comment on the theme which to me was excellent and the projection of the scene very good, made this a lovely read, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I see what you mean about the title having one meaning before you read the poem and another after, You have again outdone yourself there is a sense of loneliness, and yes it is a little abstract on the full story but it allows the reader to fill in the blanks

I really cant pick favourite lines but the first three lines are outstanding you draw the reader in right from the get go, they are a great set up for the rest of the poem

nothing to suggest just keep doing whatever it is your doing its working for me...

love Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Almost all your poems would do without the "Last few word"s, though sometimes they are better than the poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thank for the kind comments and Jess, OW!

I hope you are all doing well.

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Jonathan Moore

author comment

as you can tell from my feedback, but physically pretty fucked up. When in constant pain it is a struggle not to be cranky.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I am not a soft skinned pretty little princess.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

author comment

don't we all know that!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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