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I think, but do I understand.??. (Memorable exercise) 2nd piece first edit
Where are you I need to talk?
To walk as I do, with new thoughts
A strange quietness to my ways
Where equals are so different.
Fly high with thoughts anew
Where is it going I ask?
Be gentle with their worlds
We can see many new words
Coldness that freezes Ice
Warmth that would melt rocks
Yet both held at bay.
Touching the mind.
To sing stories of old
Prayers from many tongues
Worlds kissing at a whim,
Then pursuing their own path.
I wonder at the forms I see
How should I judge?
That I stand, to watch with you
To seek the truths in words
I understand the thoughts
I seek, to see the real you
This is the hardest of tasks
Submiting to your words
Come meet the muses tool
See them as they really are.
Read words, ask of them
Can I see, as you do?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
A reply or general comment to a poet friend, that I thought would be
OK to put on Stream, with thanks to Steve for replying to a comment I made..Now I think it will be better for Ron's workshop.
It is addressed to YOU..
I have carried out a first edit and to me with suggestions it reads smoother, and takes less time to arrive at the main points..
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Leicestershire, Ex Moonraker
Favorite Poets
All those I meet or read about in my books, then some others show me, bless them.., I.T.Howard © 2014
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Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-09-05 09:44
I do believe, young seeker, that you learn by osmosis
I think I'll just leave this comment on that cryptic note.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Wed, 2012-09-05 10:32
Jess
"Osmosis"
Thank you young teacher, the seeker finds you, and becomes part of you, but we both retain our individuality..
Go well Jess, this was a talk with Steve but thought that it belonged to many,
Yours, Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
author commentRula
Wed, 2012-09-05 09:45
If it reflects anything
this piece reflects the inside of you dear Ian and your sensitivity to get the real intent of any
poet you read.
On the other hand, as jess always says, once the poem is printed it isn't any more the poet's but the readers.So I think this should take off the burden you feel. It even gives the poet an extra credit if it can be read in different ways
Thanks for sharing your valuable thoughts and shedding a light on such a subject.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Ian.T
Wed, 2012-09-05 10:46
Rula
A reflection of that part of everyone, that should be shared.
I, as you know am a Spiritual creature, this just means that I endeavour to show unconditional love to all creations beings, no matter how they are formed.
To reach out and then touch them to see the real thing, is the prime objective, but the reverse is, that I would have made a good Hermit, living in a cave, receiving all that past by my home with a peace that you could feel deep down.
Burdens, are things that you must put down, then look at them, and solve the reason for their being.
I have no burdens that are heavy, and when poets that are people like yourself have a reflection that is not true to what they should be, then me being a busy body loves to be a part of it, so that the problem is halved lol.
You take care young lady and know that we are walking with you, as you with us, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-09-05 17:06
ok, you're in a a whole new pool now, I acknowledge your courage
To talk in poetic ways. [there is the first error, to be reflexive about poetry alienates all other readers]
To walk as we do with fellow poets.
A strange way
Where equals are so different.
Spreading strings of thoughts in words. [this whole stanza is poetic block cliche]
Capturing those strings to paper or screen
Where is it going I ask??
That we should pursue many ideas.
A coldness that would freeze Ice
A warmth that would melt the rocks
Yet both held at bay.
Touching the mind. [nice]
To sing stories of old not heard
To send prayers from many tongues
Worlds collide,
Then pursue again their own path. [better than nice, acknowledges different beliefs and ideologies]
I wonder at the forms I see
How can I judge
That I understand, and stand to watch
This in its own self means that I seek. [yeah, well du'uh, don't most of us?]
I seek to understand the thoughts
I also seek to see the poet
This is the hardest of all tasks
Now I need to have eyes of grace [hear I submit with humble grace to your words]
To meet the poet
See them as they really are
Read their words and ask of myself
Can I see as they do
Then I must stand with you
I stand with you.
OK, since you submitted this to the Shark Pool I expect you to see my bracketed comments not as attacks but suggestions. There could be some simple editing there, not just words, maybe whole stanzas. The work itself is powerful and beautiful, but see what you can do to make it sleaker and sharper.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Wed, 2012-09-05 18:40
Jess
Thank you for your attention to detail as I have now submitted this to the workshop Shall I wait until a few more suggestions are in then revise the piece, Yours, Ian.T
PS:- I thought that this was good enough for sorting out and you have agreed so I will wait a while..
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
author commentjudyanne
Thu, 2012-09-06 09:57
i love the concept
but, Ian, at the first line of both the first poem and the edit, ‘Let us think fellow poets’ I cringed. ... it sounds kind of soap-boxy to me.
imo it would read better without referring directly to anyone
I also suggest you remove a lot more words – there are a few clichés (worlds collide) .... and your thoughts (imo, lol - if you don't mind me saying) are really ‘all over the place’
ok, my take
I have done a major cut and paste and waste, and changed only one or two words
lol
in a strange way
worlds intertwine in pursuit of
individual paths
where equals are different
capturing strings of thoughts in words
to paper or screen
to sing stories of old not heard
send prayers from many tongues
I wonder at the forms
I watch with you
seek truth
feel thoughts
a coldness that would freeze Ice
a warmth that would melt the rocks
yet both held at bay
touching the mind
and I seek to see the poet
this is the hardest of tasks
I read their words and ask of myself
can I see as they do?
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Ian.T
Thu, 2012-09-06 09:54
Judy
Thanks for your comments and suggestions, I started editing the first one
then realised.
But we have started to smooth the bumps out and now with the worlds kissing and making up I wait for others to have a think, thank you again, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
author commentBlueDemon77
Thu, 2012-09-06 10:38
Hello Ian!
I enjoyed your poem Ian but must admit I thought it fell into the quagmire of philisophic nominalism at times. I often do the same thing, begin to care about the words more than the meanings. I also witness the equivalent when very talented musicians get together to blatantly overplay or comedians try to 'out-comedy' each other. By far, the most annoying is the latter. You have a good substantial write there. I think you try too much with this piece. As criticisms go, however, I can think of few I would personally rather receive.
Ron
BlueDemon77
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Ian.T
Thu, 2012-09-06 11:40
Ron
I think we are falling into the trap of trying to please everyone,
and it is effecting our writing and we should just write, and if we are pleased with it, then no matter what the critique is, I always feel the original is the only true piece.
Maybe my muses went to the same schools as I did lol.
Thanks for your visit and comment, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
author commentBlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-09-17 22:17
I agree with you.
I haven't ever critiqued for the reason of having the writer make verbatum changes according to my opinions. I have to believe I have been too acerbic to make you think that way. I believe all artists need to listen to their own voice(s) always. I had a small technical suggestion. It was meant as help, not as anything else. I believe the muse is your own and no one but you can decode that message. I am an observer, a reader only.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Ian.T
Tue, 2012-09-18 03:44
Ron
Thank you for your read and write on this one I had left both here as a reference, I have been having troubles with the revision side, but that is by the way..
I completely rewrote this one taking on board all suggestions, and I liked the result, it was neater and flowed better..
I have completely lost track of where we are with this workshop and it will only be tomorrow when I can spend a little more time on this..
Thanks again for your thougts here, Yours Ian.T
PS:- your critique is always welcome and looked for.
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2012-09-19 03:26
Beau
In today's world where children are not taught to memorise poetry as we were at school.
I am of the opinion that there could be a memorable poem written in this age, but it will have to be an advert for something we all will use for many years.
Here we have touched on a task of that if written would actually be spoken of throughout the world.
Each of us in this workshop are writing something that is memorable to us,
I think the nearest will be a brilliant poem on something that has been seen by millions on TV, the Twin towers falling, the tsunami that hit Japan but even that is fading as if the tide is going out.
Each year we celebrate the lives of those that fell during what we call the two great wars, and many words are written to describe how we feel, the great words of Churchill and many people like him, even they are fading.
Yet a poem I learnt in school when I was probably 7 years old (Home thoughts from abroad) I can still recite it word for word, as some parts of the Bible lol but they hold my memory and ways because they were a base of my learning . I expect at your age it will be even harder to find something that can last as long.
So young Beau, please try to find something to hold onto throughout your future years, that will mean such a lot to you, that you use it as a measure for your actions and a life force.
We here as a group will therefore have to settle for a smaller poem that has the lifespan of about 20-50 years.
What a task, when I cannot even remember any of my poems except for this one:-
Being
Nowhere does the sun feel so good
Nowhere does the wind blow so gentle
As in the heart of a peaceful man
Ian.T
1957
This was written when I was 15, and has lasted me 55 years, this was the first of my writings, so this must be the one poem that is the most memorable to me.
So forgive me on the words I have to find for this workshop, there could be no harder task than this one,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
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