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A hotel room in Bowen

It's a Thursday
and no one's out
watching the sun
melt into the horizon

Behind a cloud
like a mountain
the sun becomes
an eye

The rays spread out
with laquered lashes
before a final
wink

The last gift
a silver silhouette
before it sinks

Lashes blackening
and clouds turning
to ash

Only birds witness
now
Cawing and calling
its slow demise

The clouds
an ancient city
of towers

The horizon's
left bereft

The air is sweet
and still
waiting

And the palms
seem to gossip
amongst themselves

as if prompted
by a passing friend

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
After a brief visit to Bowen.QLD.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Nice mind's eye picture of a sunset!
1] Thursday
2] no one's
3] Cawing
4] air's

These are all just little mistakes, but take away from what would be a really nice work. ~ Gee

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of a sunset.
1] [T]hursday
2] no one's
3] Cawing or crowing
4] it's
5] horizon's
6] air's
Small mistakes, but they take away from a really good work. ~ Geezer

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Not an excuse, but it was a dashed off impression, cut and paste job. I did mean to get back to it and make some adjustments - but then that's what constructive criticism is for, so thanks for your help. I actually don't like to go overboard with the apostrophe conveying ownership, when it's implied anyway, hence some of it stays in :-). Contractions obviously - should've known better.

Hopefully looks a bit better now, so thanks.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

It's just that I am real old-school and read each piece of work as though I were still in grade school,
with a teacher looking over my shoulder. Sometimes, I forget how long ago that was and that this is a new day, with the rules changing all the time. ~ Geezer

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