Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Hot Daze

Today so hot so hot so hot
I lay in bed and thought,
Get up? Not.
Allowing the warm breeze to caress
My naked body without stress
I had some dreams I will not share
Though you know that I would dare.

My epitaph will be, I promise
“I’m glad I didn’t spend
more time at the office”

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Aren't you glad I didn't make a rhyme with 'orifice'?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Come on tell us your dream LOL You must keep a water spray near when it gets so hot..
A good write and it read well, Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Besides, I find porn boring because it involves other people, not me.
thanks mate,

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

I was thinking you might have been walking into a WI meeting starkers lol
Any other scene about our Elf would just send us crazy for a while and I think that we already know you have been sleep shagging and that is an "L" in there not an "H" LOL, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

At last, I get to read a recent poem of yours! a tantalizing poem- indeed, the dream! tell, tell...

Jenifer

if I told you it involved a twelve volt teflon coated appliance and a poodle?
Or overweight cheerleaders?
maybe me as Faith and Buffy getting together?

Nah, other people's porn is boring.

I know this is silly and not much but I'm finding my way back from a dark place. Any writing counts.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

12 volt teflon coated appliance and a poodle?! Whooohooo!

Jenifer

I wasn't going for exact rhyme, just similar sounds.
Thanks mate,

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

point taken...but seriously, wouldn't the office be cooler at this point, since I heard the fire are raging in N.S.W. ?
Cheers

Bonitaj

in what sense of the word?

We always have fires in summer. Sometimes the even get into Sydney through the fuses of bush. Recently there have been more psychos lighting fires. I blame Rett.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

so glad to see you writing and the theme resonates with me, I couldn't help noticing, that there are some bobbles here. Office doesn't rhyme with suffice,[neither does orifice, although it is closer]. Add and subtract a few syllables here and there and it will smooth out. ~ Gee
P.S. As soon as I posted this, I saw Lonnie's comment, and your reply, but I stick by my comment and critique.

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

The way some people, especially some Brits, upper class I think, say suffice it does rhyme. The way I say it orifice does rhyme with office.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

Actually, not so mad, Weirdelf. Pronunciation of words in different places on earth could make or break a poem for different people. I wonder if people read differently in different countries too - longer spaces between word, different rhythms? Fascinating thought on a (lovely, lovely wet sunday).

Jenifer

TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

Mmmmmm
And great poem!

that suffice/office thing started to bug me too.
Is this better?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

Sometimes one overlooks accurate rhyming when the concept is meaningful

muchly

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

And I agree, truly is clumsy
how about
Though you know I would truly dare.
Though you know that I would dare.
?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

I remembered from looking up bits when we were in workshop that the two words you used were called,
Assonance where 'Office' and 'Suffice' rhyme.
According to the web:- Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds (FICE) to create internal rhyming within phrases or sentences, and together with alliteration and consonance serves as one of the building blocks of verse. (Though these two, the sound changes in the two words)
I notice that you have changed one of them and simplified the write in that Stanza.
were they too far apart in sound to keep ????
Just a question for future thoughts,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

but most people pronounce it to rhyme with ice. The latter having no similar vowel sounds so it wouldn't be assonance. Although the similar f and s sounds are certainly consonance, when the vowel is different, otherwise it's just a rhyme.

Apart from today's revision, based on Beau's critique
Though you know that I would dare.
I only changed
My epitaph may well suffice
to
My epitaph will be, I promise
to guarantee the rhyme.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

I was talking to MichelleK the other day about Poetry vs poetry vs utter drivel and at the moment I'm happy to arrive somewhere between drivel and poetry.

Stan's new workshop will be addressing poetry vs Poetry, it should be fun.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

I like this...
at the big library here..
today I got to interact with people
on the left of me and right...
Joys of Library mate!

I can go home to my machine there
and miss all this....

I like how drivel AND poetry can be
examined like laundry coming out of the
machine!!!

I do a lot of laundry at home
for Myself
The house
Bunni
and Ataya

and its all different..
branding...
make of material

purpose

design

not all
what one thinks..

its a work

The two people on either side of me are using comps for app
fun...what turns their crank like I use neopoet for mine

you shall understand mate.....

You had a point when you called me brother..
I missed it then
but I see it now..

and I have to agree.........

It is nominable in brevity and meaning.

I really loved this one and can relate had a few moments on the bed naked in front of the cool breeze coming in the window lol how hot was today it got to 45 here and then it stormed then it got unbareably hot again

Allowing the warm breeze to caress
My naked body without stress
I had some dreams I will not share
Though you know that I would dare.

my favourite lines

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

off-iss, you say off-ice. Anyways, I hear what Frenchf and you both are saying. I was looking at the work as though I had written it and what I would do with it. My mistake. I got your meaning from what you wrote, without perfect rhyme. Guess that makes it alright. ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

I don't think any English dialect or accent does. Like orifice is always ori-fiss. Suffice on the other hand can be pronounced both ways.

I have paid attention to all the critique and made some changes. Do you think it has lost anything?
Do you know how to use the Revisions function to compare previous drafts of the poem? I use it frequently when a poet is actively engaging with critique and revising their work. It is so easy to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.