Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Horny Ghost Theory

Submitted by zebra on Thu, 2018-10-25 12:18

the horny ghost
comes to those who have suffered long
the agony of torrid loves hunger
he is a savior that needs to be saved
a glittering pageant of sexual despair
his color sapphire
a weeping shell
a dark cloud of smoldering ash
that never burns out
he is heat and light
he can smell the musk between your legs
taste tears of want
as if they are his own
his cock
bursting like trees
bludgeon hard, substanceless

no you can't put your finger on it

your heart
a brick red furnace

your parched mouth dire
is his

the emptiness between your legs
is his

he comes to you a vacant smudge
then,
white attendant with black eyed gems
be not afraid

he was lost in life
a moralist
who could not find Jacobs ladder
nor free him self of false boundaries
set upon him by the good people
their minds spider bites and corpses
who imagined a god
who loved them by decrees
of thou shalt not not not
and did not know
that flesh needs flesh
and only human love could save him

then to the grave,
just a horny ghost theory
to the living

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

themoonman

Thu, 2018-10-25 15:30

themoonman's picture
Volunteer badge

what a knee grabber !!! Could this be improved,
certainly but this is one that needs to be absorbed,
fondled and felt within ...
One word I'd like to suggest, last line "for" instead
of "to".

thanks for posting
Richard

zebra

Thu, 2018-10-25 16:01

zebra's picture

Thank you for your comment I'm contemplating your suggestion. It seems to strangely change the meaning "for" implying a service or gift, perhaps something bequeathed, while "to" implies a identifying the person or thing affected......I'm not sure >#%$&#!@? :O

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2018-10-25 19:11

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

After reading the moonman's comment and your reply, I went back and reread the whole thing twice over with each word. I'm still not sure of which way I would go with it. It reads well with the meaning both ways and we should remember that it is your work and you have written it the way you wanted it.
How about?.... You do this: for/to or to/for. Lol. Well thought out and nicely played. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

zebra

Fri, 2018-10-26 06:50

zebra's picture

I love the idea of a poem with multiple choice word fill-ins, actually an amazing idea as pure experimentalism, never been done before ;) Its interesting and challenging in a good way here seeing ones virtues and failings projected and reflected in an arena that is filled with good will, and then to take it in and see what's useful, what cords are struck towards ones evolution. Its like a cauldron brewing poets.

Thank you so very much for your comments...Very appreciated Geezer.

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2018-10-25 19:50

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Critique is not always fun, it can even at times feel like a chore, but to find works like this, with substance, makes it all worthwhile. The content is rich without being either spoon fed or obscure.

Prosodically speaking it is a bit patchy though, IMNSHO. Rather than dissect it I thought perhaps hearing it in a voice that's not your own might help. So I did a reading. It does not do it justice but I hope it helps.
Something to do with the cadence and assonance, perhaps the proximity of the repeated 'f' and 'v' sounds make the line-
nor free him self of false boundaries
just sound wrong read aloud, it is difficult even to pronounce.

no you cant put your finger on it
The punctuation is important here [can't] but the pun... well what can I say?... makes the punctuation even more important. The poem deserves better.

Anyhow, here it is in Aussiese.

https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/horny-ghost-theory-by-zebra

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

zebra

Fri, 2018-10-26 06:33

zebra's picture

Thank you for your kind words and sterling critique. I sin yet know not what I do I need to understand a bit better both cadence and assonance A bit home spun and missing finer points of writing I want to up my game so your review is timely When I read allowed I contour the poem as I would like it, not fully understanding perhaps how to read deeply the cues of what's on the page, sort of like eating
McDonalds dried meet but liking it anyway because it has a bun and ketchup :0
I loved your read with that textured accent, stupendous! ,,,and so incredibly kind of you to make the effort
.So with your permission while i study your critique Ill bug you for clarification and advice

Many Thanks

author comment

themoonman

Thu, 2018-10-25 20:22

themoonman's picture
Volunteer badge

did I mention how much I liked this
write, so many corners to explore and
your explanation on "to and for", not only
sound but compelling ... tip o the hat

zebra

Fri, 2018-10-26 07:42

zebra's picture

I know a poet named Moon woman, a poet, Shall I hook you up? :)
Thank you for your kind comment and I tip back :)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.