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Hook Line And Stinker

Winter lags upon us
we're frozen to the core
While fog that frosts so eerie
rimes the pebbles near the shore.

Murky mists rummage dull
our fishing boat slips wet
while we are feeling weary
drooped with drizzles tête a tête.

Turbid clouds fluster chill
us sea dogs pull the horn
while gloom grows ever leery
making all of us forlorn.

Tiny waves rhythm churn
we feel each salt and slosh
while we sit sick and dreary
dripping wet in macintosh.

Southsea hums exciting
and so we sling our hook
while we feel less than cheery
at the warmth that we forsook.

Chugging up the Solent
I bow my head and pray
while they mock up a story
'bout the cod that got away!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Southsea is a place on the south coast of England ( there is a funfair there ) - The solent is the name of the sea that runs between the Isle of Wight and Portsmouth and along the coast to Southampton.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Ah, it seems like I will have to revisit this piece, armed with a dictionary. lol.
"my friend and I are raw" I don't understand this sentence. Can you tell what does the word "raw" means here.
If I have to guess, I'll say this piece is about fishing. Am I right?

Alid

In this context - raw = cold, tender. Though it can be confusing because it can mean so many other things - but there again perhaps it's a word that I shouldn't have used! Lol

Yes! quite right this piece is about fishing! or attempting to fish! Lol

Nice of you to read and comment!

Keep safe

Mand xxx

author comment

Sounds like too many of my fishing trips when all I caught was a cold lol. I wonder why you have no rhyme in 1st stanza but Do in all the rest. Enjoyed the reading of your trip.......stan

Lol Well there's an observation! I thought raw and shore sounded the same? Lol though the spelling looks very different! - hence I thought it would be acceptable. :) So is it the case that if the spelling look's different
( though it sounds the same - to my Englishe ears that is ) it's not considered as rhyming? i.e claw floor etc.

Interesting - either way I think that first stanza was a stumbling block so I've changed it! I hope it's better now!

Nice of you drop in and share your observations - I'm looking forward to your answer!!

Keep safe :)

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

I Could be a dialect thing. To me it's Shh..or and rr..aw...stan PS don't guess it matters now as you've fixed it

I think you're probably right! I'll have to keep that in mind in the future!!!

Thanks Stan - the man. He he

xxx

author comment

I liked the imagery you created with a flavor of humor in the concluding verse...good to see you posting again...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

:) Glad you liked it - I have been fishing in the Solent with my family - so there is some truth in this one! Lol

Nice of you to read and comment! :)

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

An awesome fishing trip with rich word-bank.
I really enjoyed every bit and beat.:)
Welcome back dear :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks Rula - your comment is very encouraging! Glad you enjoyed it - it is indeed nice to be back! I missed being here!

Keep safe!

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

we have the heat from the mountians pushed up over the rockies and dropping in its windy
rush or leisure across the lakes....great lakes....tempest winds from cold front meeting warm front
but in the fall..the nights run cold and the air clearer..freed of the haze humidity that makes summer
special....and in the fall when the dedicidous trees drop their leaves...i remember that name from
they decide to change..and coniferous as in shape of balsam and spruce..although pines are more an erratic and original shape..softwoods bent to the winds...a romantic looking item.....raw..the weather when its wet....damp..then the cold....here in your poem it would be the sea.....currents moving from the arctic along the coast.......to be raw.....a challenge of a feeling and the mackinaw...a great wool blend of jacket that takes only a little rowing to warm ones soul and body up in....if im correct.....afraid of water so much ihave not been out on the sea....my brother went to the east coast off pei and saw the whales.....of his family he was the most afraid...he descirbes the gentle rollers as great hummocks moving......a hearty write mand.

thank you!

I love your commentary - so beautifully descriptive - I think you could easily publish your comment as a poem! In fact I like your comment better than my poem!

I am envious of your brother, I would love to see whales, your brother is also a word smith "rollers as great as hummocks moving". Lovely!

Keep safe :)

LOve Mand xxxxx

author comment

So often poetry is a chore to read! Even when the effort is worth it. A poem like this goes beyond the shamanic tradition that poetry was invented as a mnemonic aid to pass or wisdom and lore to the good old human nature, the original sin of just having fun! Even though, to till the last line, it seems dreary enough but is tremendously readable.
I could not possibly do justice to your accent but I hope my reading doesn't ruin it too much,
https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/hook-line-and-stinker-by-mand

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Fantastic - I loved hearing you read it! You did a really, really good job! Awesome!!! Thank you so much for putting yourself out I very much appreciate it! :)

Your comments and observations are always welcome - I've learned a couple of new words! he he

Thanks again Jess - I hope you are o.k!

Love to you

Mand xxxxx

author comment

A fine fun poem, Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Nice to hear from you - if it gave a smile I'm happy. He he :)

Thank you for stopping by to read and for your encouraging comment! Sooo nice of you.

LOve Mand xxxx

author comment

A joy to read. Let me also congratulate you on your proofreading. I consider it one of the indispensable tools of the poet. Not a typo in sight.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I missed you! I very much value your input! I have to apologise for my bad behaviour - scooting off without a word! ( I probably need a good slapping ). I'm trying not to over do things - hopefully that will help!

I hope you are o.k!

Thank you for your encouraging comment - I'll try and keep up with the no typo's thing! He he

Soo good to see you! :) :)

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

you know I always enjoy your poetry. I hope you will consider joining the Dramatic Verse workshop. I think you have a lot to offer it. And you might get a kick out it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I'll let you know! Thanks for the invite!

Love Mand xxx

author comment

Stupid me, I can't remember what I do from one moment to the next. Maybe it's because I really want you to join.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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