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Here we are
You held my hand,
As we walked down the aisle.
After crawling through these years.
Years of insanity,
Insecurities, Struggles,
And Pain.
We cried, We laughed.
But here we are darling.
You held my hand,
As we walked down the labour ward;
My ache, your ache.
My tears, your tears.
We pushed, We cried.
We cursed, hell!
We swore.
But then, we smiled,
As we brought forth the greatest gift,
From God to mankind.
We broke, We argued,
We fought, We cried.
But, look at us darling!
It's been four years,
And we're still strong.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I would appreciate absolute honesty. I believe in growing and I want to be helped. Thank you
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2019-03-27 18:15
Welcome to Neo...
Must be an anniversary or close to it. Congratulations! I think your title is good and fits the work. You chose a theme that is written about by many, but not as if you were overly gushy. I like that not everything is or has been soft lights and plush cushions. You have touched upon the things that make a relationship difficult at times, yet through it all, you have persevered. I like the simple statement of
"Here we are!" I like that you have capitalized the "We"; it makes it seem all the more that it truly is "We". I hope that we see more from you. I'm sure that there are others here that will give you the feedback that you need in pointing out where they think you can do better, but for now, I'll just welcome you to Neo. with the thought that you certainly have started well. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
weirdelf
Sat, 2019-03-30 03:38
Again welcome to Neopoet,
you have successfully written a love poem that is original and genuine, which, believe me, is an extraordinary achievement for any poet on the most commonly abused subject,
I really look forward to more of your work.
cheers,
Jess
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