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HERE I LAY

Here I lay with my eyes so Bright and wide
Here I lay so much pain Inside I wish I could find a place to hide
Here I lay thinking of friends dead and gone looking around an nobodies by my side
Here I lay wondering how I missed that ride
Here I lay knowing it hurts even worse knowing how hard I tried
Here I lay feeling everyone in my life only just lied
Here I lay numbing they pain brain feeling fried
Here I lay wondering why it's been so long since I cried
Here I lay feeling everything inside my heart has up an dried
Here I lay breathing although it feels I already died

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is the first time I've submitted a poem
Editing stage: 

Comments

The commentary asks- "What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?"
That was for me the problem,you have not found a pace, a meter that's consistent. Almost each line has a different syllable count, so there's no inner music or rhythm that is established. In a performance style list poem as this, that music, that beat, will tie it together.
I think it's ok you used the same rhyme, others may find it too contrived. .

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Welcome to the site! Thank you for
posting, sharing poetry can be a
very emotional ride.
Repeating words and/or lines can be
very effective. I think a little attention to
the line lengths (even up the music) would
do this short piece a lot of good.

welcome again,
Richard (themoonman)

first timer, you have done really well. As a rhymer, I like what you have done with it. I agree, that you might try and make the lines a little more rhythmic. The critique we give here is only to help you become a better poet and I think that if you read some of the other work here, you will see how it helps make our poetry better. I hope to see a lot more of your poetry. ~ Geezer.

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I don't understand what u mean more rythmic I'm sorry but can u explain it a little more please and thank you
Snipes

author comment

is musical, it needs a pace, a metronome, otherwise it sounds like the orchestra warming up.
You can do DA-ta DA-ta DA-ta or da-TA da TA da-TA but the stress has to be somewhat consistent.
I think you can that from the best performance poets as well as the classic poets.
Perhaps because you are using the rhyme is forcing the issue. In free verse, the flow of reading can be more abstract and work.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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