Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Her

Submitted by riotface97 on Mon, 2015-02-23 19:45

i wish i hadn’t
pointed a wavering eye
in Her direction
but i did

and i wish i hadn’t
felt complied
to trade thoughts
but i did

and i wish i hadn’t
fallen into the
maddening embrace
of twirling
tumbling confusion
of late nights
and half empty
bottles of chardonnay
but i did

and now
it’s just

you, me
and the moon

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2015-02-24 13:45

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

is there another name I can call you, to be more friendly?
It bespeaks the riot that is lust and attraction eloquently.
I wonder if in the line-
felt complied
perhaps
felt compelled
might work better?
Just a suggestion.
The ending is excellent, neither maudlin nor self-pitying but sad and reflective.
I like it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

riotface97

Tue, 2015-02-24 16:05

riotface97's picture
Volunteer badge

Yeah I think felt compelled will work better, it's a little smoother on the tongue. My real name is Nick so you can call me that. Thanks for the feedback, this is just one poem from a bigger suite I'm writing so any comments are always appreciated.

author comment

Sparrow

Tue, 2015-02-24 19:18

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

Welcome back and such a good piece to return with.
I remember you were writing a lot of stuff those times back.
It will be good to see what progress you have made with your writing.
This was good for a welcome back, did you stream this one before, it sounds familiar.
Yours Ian. T (Yenti) now Sparrow lol

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Esker

Tue, 2015-02-24 20:41

Esker's picture

Love comes and goes like eternal waves the
great swells...
just hard when one is the one that outdoes
all the other ones...

Thank You!

lovedly

Tue, 2015-02-24 21:55

lovedly's picture

u do click
after a sabbatical
long and thick
will we click?

emogothgirl

Mon, 2015-03-16 20:47

emogothgirl's picture
Volunteer badge

and i must say i'm really relating with it on quite a few levels. very well done. may i post it on our official blog (with credit to you of course)?

Mag

riotface97

Tue, 2015-03-17 00:06

riotface97's picture
Volunteer badge

Sure no worries :)

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2015-03-16 23:33

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

I like this
Well written, I especially like the ending
As Jess says - just enough melancholy without being overdone
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.