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To hell in a tin tube

Submitted by jane210660 on Mon, 2017-07-03 06:13

Voice recording
https://soundcloud.com/user-391664655/to-hell-in-a-tin-tube-1

Bing bong,
The next train to depart from platform 12a
will be the 11.20 to Manchester Victoria.

Check watch, plenty of time
still, quicken pace
in case ………
In case it leaves early,
which it won't,
but it might,
so I hasten
trying not to spill my paper cup coffee.

The carriage fills with people,
loud people.
Particularly loud people.
A gaggle of giggling girls
flushed with freedom.
Large ladies with their
strident, salacious assassination
of Sylvia,
who says she's sick
and can't come.
Boys with earplugs and
breaking voices, cutting
their tuneless songs to shreds.
A deafening discord
augmented by the clackety clack
rattle of the old train
as it cuts through Pennine grit.

We plunge into a tunnel
a long tunnel in a steep valley
past Todmorden,
and the electric lighting
and the absence of daylight
give a surreal sense
of hurtling into hell.
The carriage erupts
into laughter.
giggles, guffaws, cackles, howls
everyone is laughing.
I'm sat in a dimly lit
tin tube
with a carriage of clowns.
Painted faces, plastic noses,
huge red, gashing smiles.
Dear God.

Rochdale returns a semblance of normality,
heartbeat slows, pulse subsides.
We pull up at the platform
doors open.
I shuffle into the farthest corner of my seat
as my new neighbour turns and smiles.
Huge red gashing smile.
Doors close
with a hiss.

Last few words: 
This will obviously resonate more, with those who are familiar with the trans Pennine journey from Leeds to Manchester. For most part, it runs through very steep valleys, which must have created many construction problems for the Victorian engineers. There is a certain eerie quality to these natural v shaped valleys, which don't allow full sunlight. In case you don't twig, the poem's weight lies with its macabre twist, rather than its descriptive element.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

vandiemenspeak

Mon, 2017-07-03 10:14

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This has all the magical trans-formative language that seems to come out of great train poems, Yorkshire poets, and imagery. Hints of language, beyond the obvious, Armitage springs again to mind, muscular, visceral and by turns or tunnels, light and spirited - the commuters frustrations, and the casual travellers indifference seep through. And oh - that accent Jane..whatever can we do but sing this journey its deserved praises?

giggles, guffaws, cackles, howls - love it! Hopkins could of written that in one of his more musical moments.

We plunge into a tunnel - Armitage could have written that, marvellous assonance on his travels..

Fantastic, on my favourites list.

Take care,

Chris. :)

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

jane210660

Mon, 2017-07-03 10:23

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I am so pleased this has resonated with you.
It's a slightly different style for me, and I wasn't sure how it would be received.
I did actually write it on the train............
although have tweeked and twiddled aplenty.
Jx

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author comment

vandiemenspeak

Mon, 2017-07-03 10:45

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On a second listening..there is a sense of urgency, and claustrophobia - the same I used to get on the bus from Newark on Trent to Nottingham..although somewhat less picturesque. And I forgot to mention..the ending..inspired, steamy with the seamy remnants of that hellish trip, but also "steamy" as in a slight nostalgia for the lost, more gentle and sedate pace, age and civility of steam? Perhaps.

Take care.

Chris.

PS I'm starting to get a bit more confident with Soudcloud, one penned after a long night on the Elliot ;)
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/confession-joseph-barclay

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

weirdelf

Mon, 2017-07-03 14:11

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On train, plane, at a party or pub.
I minimise the anguish,
acknowledging their demonic, sociopathic or mere moronic natures...
but clowns!
oh, the horror! The horror!

Don't ever post a poem like this again, without fair warning, ok?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Tue, 2017-07-04 10:15

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Up on the awful clowns Jess.
They are in my worst nightmares.
Jx

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author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2017-07-03 20:06

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I'll need to imagine your description is apt. Never been on a train or plane but I suspect when a train enters a long unlit tunnel it Is pretty discombobulating....take That Jess lol....sorry Jane Jess has been trying to impress me with all them that big words he nose lmao

weirdelf

Mon, 2017-07-03 22:27

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what big words were in that? You used discombobulating... I honestly thought that word was so funny that people knew it from novelty value. But no big words in mine.

Oh, I know, you got to get rid of that South Carolina dictionary for standardised testing adjusted to SC education levels.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Tue, 2017-07-04 10:17

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Never been on a train....... wow.
Normally I quite like train journeys. But not this one.
Jx

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Sparrow

Tue, 2017-07-04 03:56

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Great pictures of everyday torture, I would love to go on that train just to see, but now you have told us about it, it has been put in the maybe rack.
One journey in the UK that not many seem to realise what is going on is from Bristol to Cardiff, part of the journey is under the sea/severn estuary, a tunnel built in the late 1800's early 1900's.
Seven miles of tunnel of which nearly five miles is under water.
It takes around seven minutes to travel, they have water pumps in there as it leaks a little bit.
The pumps they say are the original it's been a long time since I went on that line, a vast difference than the Euro tunnel.
Take care out there,
Yours Ian.xx

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
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Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

jane210660

Tue, 2017-07-04 10:19

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Thanks for dropping by.
The descriptive part, was just to lull you into a false sense of security, I wanted a vehicle for a macabre twist.
It is an interesting journey though.
Jx

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author comment

lovedly

Tue, 2017-07-04 15:23

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it appears to my innocent mind
you had too much time
LEEDS TO Manchester
hearing guffaws
and what not

I wish you had a pearambulator or what's is it called
to take the kids young and or old
on a long walk from your end to the engines and back
without a fall

your poetry is long and fairly tall
we love most of it
no almost all
now o teacher
'tis your call

jane210660

Tue, 2017-07-04 16:21

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Not sure about the perambulator bit.
Jx

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weirdelf

Sun, 2017-07-30 01:26

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Too many 'Last few words'.
You don't need to explain yourself, especially about the twist.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Sun, 2017-07-30 04:30

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I accept your point, but not everyone is as perceptive as you.
I've read this at a few public readings now and you probably wouldn't be amazed at how many people missed the twist.
I over-covered my back.
Turns to face firing line, grinning hugely.
Jxx

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weirdelf

Sun, 2017-07-30 05:07

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(I like your style, kiddo)

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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