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Hating the Sin

There was Death in the air,
not mine, not yours
but it was Death's time for certain.

I can still smell it,
the sweet fade of your skin;
hear the ice crack like soft blown glass
beneath your feet as you rap at my window,
step through my door.

There's a wrongness about us.
Yet, hearts beat like drums pre-war
then you lie on me as the softest snow
does the hardened earth.

And still Death lingers,
echos our moment with a lust
that fires hearts into clay
molded to hold spring's flowers,
fertilized by the life left -- empty --
in our flickering, fading flame.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Starting with the title, it puzzled me. We all hate sins, don't we? (I like it, it is catchy in a way)

You've started and ended with with Death, and that doomed the whole mood of the piece.Of course that IS intended, I know, I know. :)
My gussing is that it has a connotation to Christian beliefs, maybe?

I especially like the imagery of the snow on the hardened (land?) may be works better?...No forget about that.

The last three lines are stunning
I like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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The title came from a song I listen to "Loving the Sinner, Hating the Sin" The song is about infidelity. The poem is the same. (Please don't take this the wrong way. I am not having an affair). I often write about emotions derived from music and movies.

I am glad you enjoyed the piece. Sorry my work seems to still be a little vague to you with regards to topic. I am still working on that.

Thanks,

Scott

Scott

author comment

Such a danger to slip into ordinary prose.
This is poetry.
Well crafted.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I don't know what to say other than thank you.

Scott

Scott

author comment

There is consistent meter here and not so much there. The line breaks do not fight the poem, but enhance it unlike the long poem.
In both the subject is Death, but here it is clear as white skulls. In the long poem it is somewhat vague (not necessarily a bad thing).
Don't be afraid of rhyme. It adds music to the mix and there are lots of ways to use it other than end line rhyme.
Try considering internal rhyme. If you have questions on how to use it let me know. Also, think about initial rhyme... rhymes that start a line. Sometimes we can rhyme an initial with an end line. It's subterfuge getting the ear to hear something musical in the lines that they can't pin point.
I hope that makes sense.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

for the time spent. I needed to hear these things. I was going for different stages of growth and understanding in the longer poem, attempting to switch between states of mind. Obviously, I need to work on that and some other things.

Appreciate it,

Scott

Scott

author comment
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