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HAIKU (Japanese poetry shop)
Seems I heard or read that Haiku are usually untitled........
#1
As sweat drips from brow
even beneath a shade tree
comes dreams of winter
#2
The new mown hay field
wild flowers and grass like thatch
where now butterfly?
#3
Let the storm winds howl
let them toss the fields and trees
tempests seldom last
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Ian.T
Sun, 2012-06-03 07:14
Stan
I think this workshop starts on June 12 and the first thing is four Haiku's I think this will give you time to write one and me Four lol Take care see you soon, Yours Ian.T
These three are near perfect in syllables and format...
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Sun, 2012-06-03 19:20
Hi Ian
Darn
I saw another shop submission for thia and just assumed it was underway............stan
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-06-03 19:28
I see some are jumping at the bits
Im excited too
so I'm gonna open it up now and all can start posting.. I have started my haiku also but will wait to post after I see all the others.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-06-03 18:12
Beautiful Haiku
Your syllable count is tops. And they all resonates with nature nicely. Looking forward to seeing your senyru in the next step.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Sun, 2012-06-03 19:22
Hi Barb
Thank you. It's trying for the minor "twist" in final line which can be tough in such short forms...........stan
weirdelf
Tue, 2012-06-19 10:29
I am critiquing less to form than poetic content, ok?
#1 love it!
#2 poignant
#3 a bit ho hum, descriptive rather than evocative
great start mate!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Tue, 2012-06-19 11:44
Hi Jess
No problem as this form is simple enough that the only critique possible would be either a miscount or possible difference in pronunciation. Now I need to get off my duff and do one more haiku for this shop and give a Tanka a try.Appreciate the feedback...............stan
Ian.T
Tue, 2012-06-19 10:49
Stan
These are excellent just a wee crib on the last one
"strong winds seldom last could this not be Gales so that you are not repeating winds, I know wind repeats but not in Haiku La La.
Take care too much wind is bad for everyone, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Tue, 2012-06-19 11:46
Hi Ian
I'll shake my head and see if a substitute word comes rattling out lol............stan