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#haiku 4

mutual desires
ecstatic blast soon coming
fruition waiting

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

the third line has only 4 syllables instead of 5

besides Haiku is about Nature theme whereas with a bit of work on 3rd line this can become a good senryu...please take this comment as a suggestion...

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you so much raj, honestly I appreciate your stopping by.I see syllable count is a very difficult task.I do not regard less anyone who miscounts. Could you check it again raj, please? Humans are part of nature, I hope I am right.
Fruition is a three syllable word.
Waiting is a two syllable word.
Thank you so much raj.

author comment

I stand corrected Mr. Marvel...i checked on Dictionary.com which says it's pronounced as froo-ish-uh n

apologies...

I still feel though that it should be a senryu and not a haiku though both follow the same syllable pattern of 5-7-5...as said before Haiku is genarally related to nature themes....

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I think Senryu is a haiku with theme on human.And i think what majorly differentiates a haiku from a Senryu is the use of simile and metaphor in Senryu,though some people use simile and metaphor in haiku too.If you could find time to research you will definitely find out theme on human in haiku is acceptable.Thank you so much Mr raj for your time,I appreciate.

author comment

I am not an expert but go by what i learn on the way through comments made by fellow members...you could be right...bottom line is your poem is effective...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I am still under tutorship in order to become effective, thanks again Mr raj, for your comments and time.

author comment

Well,I don't know much but for myself understanding I think you are right,thanks for this little but mighty piece of poem.

Thank you so much Simon, your comment is so much appreciated.

author comment

you know exactly what you are doing!

I now look forward to some bawdy limericks, and let me warn you! It is much more difficult than haiku/senryu!

Before trying, read a lot of limericks, get the music of the prosody in your ear!

I am not giving you arbitrary exercises, I believe these are incredibly important lesson in our 'Craft or Sullen Art'.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

do not stress or be feared Jess
If the odd bird builds in your beard
I have found some words
Some are quite absurd
Its just a simple nest young Jess

There was a man called Jess
All us poets he would address
Learn some new curses
Even the odd verses
From the best that’s our Jess..

Just trying these limericks but the subject keeps moving away, Love you my Bru.
Yours as always Ian..

I is going to get some flack for this so is hiding La La..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thank you so much Jess, I so much I appreciate this heartwarming comment.

author comment

'Craft or Sullen Art'
comes from.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

waiting

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Hello Jess, I intended sending you a PM in this regard, but I have had so much on my hands these few days. I really appreciate your efforts but I still wonder how you always make out time for my works inspite of your tight schedule. I really doubt if I got your demand here clear, Jess.

author comment

Oh, oh so sorry Jess
Do you mean the phrase " In My Craft Or Sullen Art"?
It is from Dylan Thomas's poem.

In my craft or sullen art
Exercised in the still night
When only the moon rages
And the lovers lie abed
With all their griefs in their arms,
I labour by singing light
Not for ambition or bread
Or the stut and trade of charms
On the ivory stages
But for common wages
Of their most secret heart.

Not for proud man apart
From the raging moon I write
On these spindrift pages
Nor for towering dead
With their nightingale and psalms
But for the lovers their arms
Round the griefs of the ages,
Who pay no praise or wages
Nor heed my craft or art.

author comment

The poem describes a poet who must write for the sake of his craft rather than any material gains that may come from his work.

author comment
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