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greed
when the wheel was invented
homo sapiens scented
the greed to move fast
in turning present to past
speed became the password
for sending rockets skyward
making air travel supersonic
with a loud bang demonic
discovery made winner
of the coveted Nobel prize
sowing seeds of nuclear
for next gen to pay the price
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
this one is also my effort to learn the craft of rhyme which is not my comfort zone..
Editing stage:
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Comments
brittle light
Fri, 2018-11-02 17:20
I am no expert, but here are
I am no expert, but here are a few thoughts on rhyming:
don't twist and bend language too much passed your "natural voice" even if using a "stylized poetic voice" just for the sake of a rhyme.
If it feels too clumsy, don't keep it. Search for another way to say it.
For example, In your last stanza, the idea you tried to convey got so squashed up trying to fit the meter and rhyme scheme, it lost any sense of real world logic, just for the sake of making it rhyme.
connecting Nobel Prizes as the instigator of man's natural inclination for discovery is kind of ludicrous. I'm sure you did not intend this interpretation, but that's how it read.after you squashed up your original thought to fit the scheme
rhyming well is hard...keep practicing.
respectfully,
Al
raj
Sat, 2018-11-03 07:22
Thanks Al for reading and
Thanks Al for reading and your comment...it is appreciated...hopefully I will keep improving on rhyme as i keep trying...
......................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
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