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Golden Pond...

Gold fish swim lazy
Still pools of deep dark water
Cherry blossoms bloom

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Written while listening to Japanese music with water background.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I took care of the title. Better?
~ Geez.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Such good images

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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I wrote it while listening to some very relaxing Japanese music and waterfalls, it seems like it helped. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

in all points: title, lazily, and alliteration (I like the alliteration). I'm not sure the idea of a pool and flowing are consistent. I think pools are still. I appreciate the contrast of the dark pool and the light cherry blossoms.

that I will take the idea of the pool being still./ Thank you! ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Three visuals that bind the piece together.
Well written.

Obi.

It is hard for 'Westerners' to remove alliteration. I guess it goes with the thought that everything has to be spelled out. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment
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