Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Golden Pond...

Gold fish swim lazy
Still pools of deep dark water
Cherry blossoms bloom

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Written while listening to Japanese music with water background.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

would it be lazily ?
Hmm the title , I would have called it only Golden Pond and not mentioned anything else.
The challenge is selected and the poem shows up in the challenge list.
There is alliteration in the middle and last line hmm....
Perfect Haiku are few and far between.
Later,

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

I took care of the title. Better?
~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment

Some so called experts would frown on the alliteration but I like it.
Later,

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

Such good images

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I wrote it while listening to some very relaxing Japanese music and waterfalls, it seems like it helped. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment

in all points: title, lazily, and alliteration (I like the alliteration). I'm not sure the idea of a pool and flowing are consistent. I think pools are still. I appreciate the contrast of the dark pool and the light cherry blossoms.

that I will take the idea of the pool being still./ Thank you! ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment

Three visuals that bind the piece together.
Well written.

Obi.

It is hard for 'Westerners' to remove alliteration. I guess it goes with the thought that everything has to be spelled out. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment

I'm guilty myself but like all poetic devices any one can typecast into one especially rhyme.
Later,

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.