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Free me again

Your every touch is sensual,
it brings me deep sensations
that give me great arousal ,
I can't control the emotions.

With you every moment,
my joy becomes boundless.
Your body's rythymic movements
attest your romantic prowess.

My heart now lies in your cage,
savouring daily its slavery .
My heart is in love rage.
I can't control the fury.

I am enthralled by your love,
even when I try to escape,
my heart won't move ,
without you it can't cope.

The ardor is beyond compare,
like wild fire it burns,
I think my heart needs a spare,
should this one get burnt or torn.

I have never felt love like this before,
I am a servitude to ecstatic pains,
that have eaten me to the core,
my psyche daily cries out, "free me again ".

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

i enjoy the way the words are being used, the way you were able to join captivity and love which can be seen from your persistent beg to be free from a particular emotional cage,

"My heart now lies in your cage,
savouring daily your slavery .
My heart is in love rage.
I can't control the fury."

coming from the first stanza you enjoyed the whole experience, the satisfaction you get but still i dont understand why you wants to be free from it.

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

Nice review Chiori.Sometimes one falls in love deeply , though you feel happy,ecstatic but you get robbed you of your will power and finally enslaved .At this point you can not help begging for freedom again.

author comment

I am not a critic I am on here with my poems but yours stands out

Thanks RobinRosier, I appreciate your kind comment.

author comment

.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Personally feel I need to address this poem head on. Well, here it go :
Simply put life is about choices from the day to day. Each of us is responsible as adults for the choices that we make in life. Got to keep in mind I’m not talking about perfection cause no one is perfect we all stumble in some way or form. Yet fundamentally they main emphasis comes down to love. If I base my life around myself and pay no thought for my fellow brother then what good am I. I don’t claim to be prophet nor a teacher just simply a friend. A friend who unites hearts. Regardless of background or environmental affiliation. In essence we all need each other in this life. Others to pull us up when are heads are drifting down. If I touched one human heart with my message of love then my life was worth the living. In support of friends on Neopoet I tip my hat to you lovingly. Let us be ever mindful that we are toward one another following the example of love.

Mario Vitale

Thank you so much Chevyvent, I really appreciate your comment.

author comment

This will be a harsh review because I know you can do better. Perhaps it is your intent to create a jarring effect between the fervour and the sometimes dispassionate expression of it.
For example the effect of the first three lines is defused by the overly long line that follows-
so much that I can't control the emotions.
Which feels cold and descriptive.

The same thing happens in the next stanza. Prowess feels almost technical, perhaps you are sacrificing the best word for rhyme.

In the third stanza savouring daily your slavery, 'your' doesn't feel quite right. My slavery or perhaps its slavery.

Am enthralled by your love. I am enthralled by your love or enthralled by your love would read better, I think.

without you it can't cope. 'cope' is not a strong enough word here.

The ardor is beyond compare, my ardour'
Then again the power is lost with
I think my heart needs a spare,
should this one get burnt or torn.
Comparing your heart to an engine part?

These particular crits aside I feel the work lacks prosodic values. Once written it is very difficult to introduce meter however some changes in word choice could introduce some assonance or consonance that could raise the works poetic qualities.

And the final plea ""free me again". Do you really mean it? A sense of ambiguity here would empower the poem greatly.

Listen-
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1a0Oba9aM8S

Do you feel it?

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Do compose a fresh poem

with lots of helpful critique above
I know you will do well

that u r being read
is ample guarantee
that yo have poet-ential young man

You have asked me to be your Mentor so I will offer specific, sometimes harsh suggestions. But they remain suggestions.

You must always make your own choices as to what to change, what to keep and feel free to tell me to get fucked when I am wrong or misunderstand you.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Your suggestions are not harsh in anyway Jess ,I think they are meant for my good.Yes I really agree to Lovedly's suggestion to compose a new poem.

author comment

I am aware how difficult writing in rhyme can be and how easy it is to sacrifice the poem to rhyme. But even though it might take a bit longer using the right word is always best even if it requires an entire stanza be rewritten. i just recently learned how to copy and paste so I'll use this new found skill to show you some alternates you might consider:

Your every touch is sensual,
bringing me such deep sensations
that I am led to arousal ,
and uncontrolled control emotions.

my joy with you every moment,
becomes almost boundless.
Your body's every movement
attest your rhythmic prowess.

My heart lies captive in your cage,
savouring daily its slavery .
My heart grows with every stage
and burns with unquenched fury.

I am entangled by your love.
Even when I try to escape,
my heart won't move .
It's held as if by invisible tape.

The ardor is beyond compare,
like wild fire it burns;
should I die I'd hardly care,
for you only my heart yearns.

I have never felt love like this before,
I am in servitude to ecstatic pains,
that have eaten me to the core,
my soul cries out every day, "free me again ".
* now I hardly expect you to use any of these changes word for word, they are just here to show there Are alternatives......stan

Thank you so much Scribbler, and sorry for the late reply I doubt if I got notification of this your feedback.I am just seeing this feedback this very moment.I really appreciate ,I think it's going to be so helpful Scribbler.Thanks a lot.

author comment

I think it was Schopenhauer who in the 1840's said man has two stages. He is a giant penis until he is 35, then spends the second half contemplating his demise and final death. I see your poem as a raw expression of that sexuality which no Viagra can bring- it's youth and what all the bird songs are about. It's kinda like Marvin Gaye's song, "Sexual Healing" ...o baybeh baybeh baybeh..
For me, that's ok, keep this poem around and read it again in 50 years. You'll blush.

Again as in other of your works, this is a popular lyric song for me. I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy reading it...and for moment remembering the days when...well, let's leave it at that.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

When god created the animals he gave everyone twenty years of active sex life but man complained, wanting more, so monkey, parrot and lion, being generous, offered half each of theirs.
So for twenty years man fucks around, for another ten he monkeys about, for another ten he talks and the last ten he is lyin.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

I am so glad you found it really interesting to read, Eumolpus.Thanks for your kind encouraging comments on this work and others.I really appreciate and thanks once again, Eumolpus.

author comment
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