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forspacious skies

Submitted by brittle light on Thu, 2012-07-19 04:13

in a foggy fjord
a monk, turned warlord,
was starcrossed
by a second fate
rightous victory waned
like cold crystal diamond fire
in the big blue ice

cue up despair
like a bitter old man

like the three sorrows
that are Jerusalem

like dark houses
in mourning and rembrance

time for the big empty

wait!
a plan
a daring escape
impetuous
but, for him, as inevitable as death for all others

disguised as a whirling dust devil
rising up and over
the deep grey sulleness
of stone cold steeples and spires
he began his run

running now a day
a season
an eternity

from nothing
to nowhere

in desperation,
he returned to prayer
with every hard and shallow breath
he asks for one thing
and one thing only

to find his way back
to death

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

A cut and paste piece made from the titles off of a playlist of some of my musical compositions. You're not alone. I'm not sure what to make of it either!

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

William Saint George

Thu, 2012-07-19 07:44

True.

I'm not sure what to make of it, but the story is quite powerful. Especially in the last stanzas, where it ends in death.

I still don't get how you composed this. Is each line a title of the music you composed? It is a beautiful, and powerful write.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

brittle light

Thu, 2012-07-19 08:21

I made a list from about 20 titles, then started arranging them, kind of intuitively, until I began to recognize a potential story line. Not every line of the piece was a title. I needed some conecting lines, and an occasional adjective etc. But without the list as an outline this would not, could not have been conceived or written. It didn't
take very long and I was pleasently surprised at the outcome. This, if I recall correctly, was my first attempt at something like this.

I hope that gives you a better idea of the process used.

thank you for the generous comments and taking the time to do so.

regards

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-07-19 09:57

Al

To write a piece with a load of song titles in is a hard task but I tried it this once.
I sent this one to Jess as he liked Simon & Garfunkel, but it was at a time when some poems and things were being missed so here it is for your look see:-

Simeon and Garfunkle
Posted on March 27, 2012 by Yenti

“The Sound of Silence”

“The Sound of Silence drifting across the warm evening as I walked by the riverside to find the “Bridge over Troubled Waters” so that I could get to “Scarborough Fair”
There I was having an affair with “Mrs Robinson” we were “Blessed” to meet on “Bleeker Street”.
“The Boxer” begging there, I gave him a Dollar. and Jess did you know that her name was “Cecilia”, but I called her “Robi”
It was “Cloudy” that day but she was a breath of fresh air, I use to think she was “Fakin’ It” but she said, I had to, because that man at the bar ” He Was My Brother” “A Most Peculiar Man” he went by the name of “Richard Cory”.
I knew damn well that “Wednesday Morning 3am” was no time to be out drinking with another man’s wife.
We both got up and were “Homeward Bound” as fast as we could, we heard the faint songs from the cathedral they were singing the “Benedictus” so they were up early also,
I told her that I would stay with her as “I am a Rock” in most difficult things.
I asked when could we marry she said “April Come She Will” and I will join you in our heaven, “Feelin’ Groovy” and all un necessary..
So that Jess doesn’t know who made this up I will call myself by my fictitious name of “Sparrow”

As I sign as Sparrow sometimes it was apt, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

brittle light

Thu, 2012-07-19 11:09

hey, Ian

your story piece came out nicely...but, I don't think your process or purpose was the same as mine.

firstly, nobody would know I used titles (of my own works) unless I told them.
Simon and Garfunkle tune titles are indeliblely printed on your readers' mind. If they were not, what would be the point of writing that particular piece, except as an excercise, or amusement

secondly, this was not an excercise, but an attempt to write a piece of poetry by looking for inspiration and alternative methods as starting points. I wanted to delve into this particular playlist to try and find find a common "sense", a linking thread to these particular pieces of music, by examining and translating the mood, the musical psyche, into a rhetorical reality (If this can actually be done!)

what I got was a "stand alone" piece of writing, whether my original intent and purpose was fullfilled or not.

your piece is, of course, truly legitimate and well done...for your own intents and purposes. Just not the same as mine, in this case

thanks for coming by

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-07-19 12:14

Al

I see what you mean, but that list of yours seemed to drag you into some place the reader couldn't see, a journey of spaced days where you wrote words in between that sang to you.
We would not have seen this if you had not let us know, sometimes I have to ask Steve (Esker) for a clue as to where he is even though most of his work is in a different place than most of our poets. I did mine in an exercise of story telling but that didn't work either.
This piece then strayed from its marker points and became muddled, but each part can be made into a poetic version of the song you wrote.
You may say that your songs are poetry, but I always think there is a subtle difference in the two, Then the lyrics become a voice of their own, it is the joining of any two is where the expertise comes in.
We will see what the future writes hold for our thoughts, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

brittle light

Thu, 2012-07-19 22:15

Hey Ian

I was not defending the merit or quality of this piece, just from whence it was conceived.

a clarification: the list was made of "music" compositions that had previously been given titles (by me), reflecting what mood I thought they induced, as opposed to simply calling them "opus 1, opus 2, etc . There are no lyrics, they are not songs, there is not "a joining of the two".

correct me if I have misunderstood your comments.

I hope my responses don't strike you as abrupt, or harsh or anything like that. Although sometimes I can be a little terse.

hope to hear from you later

author comment

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forspacious skies