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Fool.
My Angel
The gel
Soothing my sore
Forgiving my flaw
My Angel
The well
Watering my dry heart
Making a heavy heart light
My Angel
The jewel
Gotten with no price
Yet priceless
The nectar that
Sweetens my heart
Making me merry
When weary
Oh no! She I adore
Yet shows her the door
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
Eumolpus
Tue, 2018-07-17 12:48
Hi Adi
I like your poem. a nice take on rejection. It mostly follows an aabb thyme scheme, but not really any metrical consistency, which is possible to do if you want to. I think it would make the poem more crafted. The narrative is set, all you have to do is rework the words.
Other than that, may I suggest the following
My Angel
The gel
Soothing my sores
Forgiving my flaws
Flaw as a singular doesn't work. like a tragic flaw...
Oh no! She I adore
Yet shows me her door
"yet shows her the door" is confusing to me.
Neopoet is a workshop, and we all try to give our best constructive comments. The poem is always yours.
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Adi
Thu, 2018-07-19 04:15
Fool.
Thanks for your comments, Eumolpus, and thanks for the corrections. I hope to improve on the work.
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