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Floaters

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Mon, 2012-09-10 04:50

Floaters

By RW

Brief lightning

Halogen flash of feeling

too soon gone

not even an odor lingering

just moments made less savory

by rapid passage

Now I see spots

and the darkness is no longer comfortable

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

judyanne

Mon, 2012-09-10 09:40

judyanne's picture
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there is a subtext here. Ron, that I can’t quite grasp, and it is intriguing

great descriptive – I can see that blinding lightning flash in reality, and that one of recognition that occurs behind the eyes

both leave floaters, well used in the write - for as well as the real ones after the real flash of light, for that ‘floaty’ feeling that comes with that flash of inspiration / love / whatever else…

I love this – could deconstruct it for quite some time (if I had it lol)

great write – very memorable for the implications of various themes
love the line 'Halogen flash of feeling'
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Mon, 2012-09-10 09:37

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could be a feeling of a child's reflection towards darkness.
A delicate piece., well crafted

I loved the closing lines

Now I see spots

and the darkness is no longer comfortable

I believe any piece that reflects a human feeling is a memorable one and this one is no exception.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:36

BlueDemon77's picture

I appreciate your comments greatly. Your criticism is very specific and you very much help me understand what translates best from me. Thank you.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:04

BlueDemon77's picture

Thanks for the comments Judy. There are subtexts but they change. I'm not sure for any amount of time what the main subtexts are. Opening to love, then darkness? possibly, openness to truth then fear of it? perhaps. I can say the original image was honestly a childhood image of being in the back seat of my Dad's car as he drove in a thunderstorm. I remember a close flash of lightning and a strobe-like 16 mm film smear image of a tree, then seeing the floaters.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:26

BlueDemon77's picture

one

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:43

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the light of inspiration and knowledge
one instance when the dark (ignorance) is no longer comfortable

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-10 11:20

BlueDemon77's picture

I find the light frightful, it changes and transforms and I am exposed. My intellect is fine with it, but fear is a constant fight, hilarious for an ex wrestler, huh?

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:31

BlueDemon77's picture

2

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:32

BlueDemon77's picture

3

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:33

BlueDemon77's picture

4

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2012-09-10 10:28

judyanne's picture
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ROTFPMSL
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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